OMG - I've turned veggie!

The fam and I watched Food, Inc. two nights ago. I wish I could say everyone was excited about watching it but in reality, it was a mandatory viewing event. I didn't care much if any of the kids didn't want to see it. I didn't care that Jacob wanted to spend the night with a friend or that Bre was reading a book. Nope,I wanted them to see it. I felt it was important because it would expose them to something new, something different, something opposite of what they think is ok and above all, I wanted to make them think. I wanted them to think outside of themselves, and their lives, and our own family bubble and see what happens outside of our protective box. I wanted them to question and ponder. We learn so early in English class the four W's (and the H gets thrown in there too) - what, where, why, how and who? But how often do we really ask those things? Any of us? It's time. It's time to ask. It's time to know. It's time to change things.

How will we know what we want to do unless we are shown how things really are? Our food does not come from the grocery store. It was not grown in a well-lit, clean building and packaged in perfect boxes with slogans screaming for our attention. NO, there are two vast differences in where our food comes from. It is not pleasant TV. It will not make us laugh or give us warm fuzzies. It will not elevate our self-esteem and show us how great we are. No, it is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and puts a mirror in our face that could quite possibly reflect an image that makes us feel queasy. An image that is completely necessary and will propel us to do something different or turn our face away and pretend what we saw isn't real or is exaggerated. Some of us will make justifications and excuses to make ourselves feel better and some will succeed in acting with a false ignorance. But none of us will forget.

So, do happy cows really come from California? Does chicken poop really smell like money? Are pigs really smarter than dogs? I'm thinking no, unfortunately yes (to some selfishly sick greedy yahoo's) and yes. I have to say, I will never, ever, EVER, purchase a Tyson product. What a swell guy, what a champ, to have multiple chicken farms, farms without any windows, where chickens are harvested in total darkness from the moment they are born until they die. In the dark, because they don't make a big fuss in there. In the dark, so that way when some fat farmer goes in to grab him by the legs and throw him in the truck it doesn't put up a fight.In the dark, because hey, what they do they need light for anyway? I mean, they can't walk right? Oh no, they've been injected with so many hormones their bodies grow faster than their legs can keep up with them. So they sit, get fat, and are killed. Um, hello people. If they can't stand or walk, where do we think they shit? And when they do, where does it go? I would have to assume it stays under the chicken and he sits right back down in it. mmmm, yum. But hey, i know what you are thinking - those chickens are obviously skinned, cleaned, and sanitized before it ever hits your grocer's freezer and then your BBQ. No chicken poo residue. Well guess what? You are right. It is sanitized. With ammonia. Now doesn't that sounds scrumptious? The next time you decide to grill that moist chicken breast, you can rest assured it has been dipped in ammonia, the same stuff you use to clean your windows, is on your chicken. Yummy.
But the fun doesn't stop there. Oh no. The cows get in on this jacked up cycle of greed too. Old MacDonald had a farm....e.i.e.i.oooo. We all know those McDonald brothers are richer than rich, what with all those tantalizing Big Mac's and Quarter Pounders. But guess what? Those aren't grass fed cows you're eating, Nope. Those cows were forced to evolve to corn eating. How kind of us. Now maybe the cows aren't dropping dead from eatimng corn, but, does anyone wonder why should they? Wouldn't we, as human beings, just be ecstatic, if we were forced to eat a food, not because that's what we were designed to eat it, but because it made us fatter faster? Oh wait... we have evolved. My bad. Cows are meant to eat grass. Duh. Most of them are fed corn. Why? So someone can get rich. So someone can make a buck. Greed. One of the seven deadly sins. Right up there with gluttony. Nice. It looks like we are well on our way of keeping up with that list.

The sad thing is, I can't bag on all the farmers. They are stuck in this vicious cycle as well. It's shocking and heartbreaking really. No, it's the man in the suit, the man that doesn't have to pick up a dead chicken or a sick cow. The man that doesn't have to shovel their shit or even smell it for that matter. The man that sits in his office, with his briefcase, behind a desk, and decides, how can I get richer? And we let him.

I was amazed at the differences between the animals at a huge money-making farm, where they are penned in, hundreds to thousands of them, without any room to walk and their feces everywhere, to the farmer who had his animals outside in the grass and sunshine, eating grass and hay. I wanted to jump through the TV screen and hug him. A farmer with a standard. With beliefs and the ability to not compromise. It was so impressive. Even more so to see the people that drive hundreds of miles to buy food specifically from him because they share the same standard and belief. Rock on. I won't purchase meat for my family any longer if it does not have the label "free-range" or "grass-fed" on it. Yes, my grocery bill will be higher but I'm ok with that. Some things are more important than money.

I only told Jacob to close his eyes twice, and it was mostly because I wasn't sure what we were about to see. I'm still a little lost on how all the pigs died. Were they gassed??!
But Jacob looked at me with the most solemn expression and said, "I'm never eating bacon or ham again. Those poor pigs. It's sad mommy." Sammi, the greatest offender of eye-rolling at anything veggie related, simply said "gross." Bre, well she didn't say much.

I've told them time and time again they don't have to be like me. I'm not asking that they become a vegetarian. I'm only asking that they think about what they are eating.

Which brings me to the crop that affects me the most. The soybean. I didn't realize someone could put a patent on a bean. It's not just a patent on a bean folks. Oh no. It's bigger than that. It's a patent on food. Someone wants to control a basic need that we all have in order to survive. Pretty smart really. Unless you're a sadistic bullying asshole. Then it's sick and controlling. A god complex. It was horrifying to realize that said patent er could put any farmer that doesn't use his bean out of business. A soybean mafia. Disgusting.
Picture yourself a farmer. Here you are, trying to make a living from the land. You seed, you fertilize, and then you harvest your crop. Then, what do you do with all those seeds? Well throw them away of course! Oh genius!That seems really smart right? Well, not to the farmer. And not to anyone else in the population who has any brains or common sense. It's a seed for goodness sake! It means it will grow more food so plant the little sucker. But oh no. Not if you are a soybean farmer. Then you must throw away your perefectly good seed and buy a genetic seed from the soybean mafia. If you don't, some dude dressed in black knocks on your door and puts your name on a list. A hit list if you will. Soon, soon, you will be out of business because you'll owe so much in legal fees, fighting for the right to farm your OWN seed on your OWN land from your OWN crop.
I've always had a special contempt for bullies. I can't stand it when people push around others just because they can. It makes me want to drop kick them on their ass. Even more so when it affects what I put into my body.
I've told Jeff from the moment I became a veggie that I can't believe how versatile a soybean is. That little slut gets around. And it gets around quite a bit in my own diet. What's a veggie to do? Cut back. What else can I do? Learn how to make my own veggie burgers,cut back on the fake meat, use rice milk instead of soy. I'll do fine with less of it. Because if I don't cut back, I'll be guilty of perpetuating the cycle. The cycle of greed and school-yard bullying. The cycle of breaking an honest man trying to make a living so a giant company can get richer. Oh and this is the real clincher - the owner of that soybean? Same dude that owns Round-Up. Sweet. Cool. I love it when I look a little closer, I see how related food and pesticides are. Like second cousins that get caught doing it. It doesn't seem right but we look the other way because even though it's a cousin, they're twice removed. Sick. Some things just shouldn't mix.

I feel like my last few blogs have been really serious. I haven't made any jokes about my ass or spoken of my latest rendezvous with Smoke. I haven't complained about my muffin top or given a play by play of what I have eaten. I almost felt guilty for not being light-hearted enough, but then it hit me.

It's not all about me.

There's a bigger picture. If I don't delve into the bigger picture more often and see what else is going on around me, I've become a victim of complacency. Or maybe even the perpetrator. I have a feeling that's what they all hope for.

It has been said that "With great power comes great responsibility". As humans, we have the greatest power over all living things. We have intelligence. We have strength. We have the ability to speak and listen. We can build things for the greater good or for the greed for ourselves. It is our choice. We have free will. We all make choices every day to stand for something or to stand for nothing. It is our choice. In having this free will, we also have the undeniable power to abuse the very things that have been entrusted to us. We can choose to have compassion or we can choose to harden our heart and care only for our own wants and desires. When we look at our lives, when I look at my own life, what will I see? Have I stood for those that cannot stand for themselves? Have I spoken and defended the ones that cannot speak and therefore are defenseless? Have I turned my back in the name of convenience and the love of money on living beings that feel just as I do? Where have my choices led me?

With great power comes great responsibility.

"Then God said, Let us make human beings in our image and likeness. And let them rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the tame animals, over all the earth, and over all the small crawling animals on the earth." So God created human beings in his image. In the image of God he created them. He created them male and female. God blessed them and said, "Have many children and grow in number. Fill the earth and be its master. Rule over the fish in the sea and over the birds in the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
And rule over them we have. But is it as God intended? When God said to rule over them did He, the epitome of LOVE and all it defines, mean to torture and to kill these very animals that he also created, in the worst ways we can think of?

We look at people that abuse dogs, those that kick or beat them, as inhumane. We are indignant and self-righteous. We want to protect them and send those that treated them badly to jail.
But dogs are our pets. So I would assume that because we choose not to eat them, that makes them more important than any other animal?
What would we say to someone that would want to hang a dog by his hind legs and shock him with an electric poker? What would we do if we saw someone kick a sick dog that was already on the ground and drag him around while laughing? I'm sure none of us would just stand there. We'd probably think it is completely appropriate to give that jackass a taste of his own medicine and beat him with a stick.
Would it be ok to put a dog in a room full of other dogs and stuff it so full of them that they can't even move to go to the bathroom? Is it ok for them go the bathroom where they are standing and let them wallow in it? Should it be allowed that if a dog is sick, that we euthanize that dog and then grind him up and feed him to the rest? GROSS. Ok - just kidding! Let's mix the ground up dog then with hard dog food to make it right and no one will know the difference. That makes perfect sense.

All these suggestions are ridiculous of course. We would never do that to a dog. Dogs are man's best friend. Huh.I bet they thank their lucky stars for that. Otherwise, they'd wind up on someones plate with a bottle of A1 and a side of french fries.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

What have we done with our power? Have we been responsible? Have I?

Not always. Not by any stretch of the imagination will I stand on my preacher box and claim I've never done these things. I am guilty. I admit it. I'll shout it out. Guilty! The great thing, the blessed mercy, is that I don't have to remain that way.

Food has been on my mind a lot lately. What I eat, why I eat, where what I eat comes from, what i feed my family, what limits I set for myself and for them.
Being a veggie is not convenient. It is not for the undisciplined. It is not inexpensive and it is not for anyone that cares one bit what anyone else thinks of them. I am amused by the comments that I receive, "wow- you're still doing the whole "veggie thing" huh?" or even better, "there's only a little bit of meat in it - you can pick it out can't you?" Um, NO. If you mixed a Bloody Mary, would you hand it to the alcoholic and ask that he filter the vodka? Duh.That would be a stupid.

The more that I learn, the greater need i feel to speak out. How can I keep quiet, and really, why should I?

Now, I know that not every animal is treated badly. There are some good ranchers out there and you know what? Props to you rancher man for having a moral standard. I'd like to believe these ranchers are the majority. I'd also like to believe if I wear a baggy sweatshirt no one will notice my muffin top. Wouldn't we all love it if that were true? The sweatshirt industry would be right up there with 5 inch heels and push up bras in sexy status. Victoria's Secret will have some stiff competition - Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. Bow-chicka-wa-wa....

What I have I done to be more responsible? I have chosen to not eat meat. Do i think that is the choice everyone should make? Not necessarily. I have a friend that informed me a few days ago that she is buying half a cow. I was kind of shocked at first.
Where was she going to put it?!
And how can you only buy half a cow???
But my friend is a very morally responsible girl and she loves all creatures. (Except roaches. But who can fault her for that? Every time i crush one I think to myself, why God? Seriously - when I get to heaven, I'm asking Jesus what the purpose for that little sucker was). Anyway - half a cow. I was fascinated to learn that you can literally buy meat on the Internet from a rancher that feeds their animals only grass, no additives, on a ranch where it roams free, and it is killed, but done so humanely. (and yes, I do think this is possible. I couldn't do it but props to the moral rancher man that can). Hmmm. Not my personal choice but the point is that there are many ways to be morally responsible and she has chosen one that suits her and her family. Cool.
Although I haven't seen the website myself, I'm sure she has done her homework. She is quite tenacious and informed about these sorts of things. And if for some reason this website is bogus, the poor bastard that put it up better run for his life before she catches him.

We have been given a responsibility and great power. There are many ways to use this power for the good. Convenience and laziness are not the answer. Think about it. What can you do? You may be surprised at all the different options.

No matter how great i feel in my veggie body, my first reaction - still - when something, anything, goes wrong is, gotta stop eating.

The shirt looks a little tight..... gotta stop eating.
My damn hair is frizzy....gotta stop eating.
I don't have anything to wear...gotta stop eating.
My ex-girlfriend dropped me a line....gotta stop eating.Oh, and please don't look at me naked.
I'm so tired, no nooky tonight...gotta stop eating.
oh yes, i want you so bad right now... gotta stop eating.

Yes, these whispers don't stop even when something good is said. It doesn't matter because you see, it would be better if i was thinner. Always, for some length of time, whether it is seconds or minutes, hours, or days and months, my problems are credited to me being fat.
He would have loved you more/ longer/ better, if you were skinny.
You would be The ONE, if you weren't fat.
You'd be a better daughter, if you exercised more.

I grew up always thinking if I was thinner, my life would be better. The sun would shine a little brighter, the air would be a little crisper, my step a little lighter, and my smile would stop old ladies and hot guys in their tracks. If only I was thinner. I wouldn't fear the dark anymore, I could charm sharks if I chose, and everyone that is supposed to love me - would. If only I was thinner.
This is foolish. In my adult mind, i know this makes zero sense but it is there nonetheless. It cracks me up when I hear people encourage others to find their "inner child" and listen to her. I prefer to tell her to shut up.Go away. Nothing good is coming from her mouth. She whispers to me always... gotta stop eating. As if I could. As if i should. Hello! I don't want to die. I don't want to starve myself. Jeez, i love food and I love to eat. But there's the conundrum, the constant war within myself. Gotta stop eating.

Sometimes she is silent and I am left alone and happy. I enjoy myself and a little soy ice cream. Every now and then, I feel pretty. But just when I think she's gone for good, something happens... a look, an answer that doesn't come fast enough, a compliment that never appears,or a pretty girl from the past that does. Then here she comes... Gotta stop eating. And she slaps me in the face with comparisons that I cannot win. Memories I cannot compete with. She's such a bitch. She hits below the belt, or in my case, anywhere beneath my boobs, and gets me where it hurts the most and I scream inside until it echoes in all of me... GOTTA. STOP. EATING! But of course I do. And then she laughs and calls me weak. I could call her a lot of names. Insecurity. Fear. Isolation. Mother. Shannon. I hate her and I love her. Because she is me.

I tell my kids always, be careful how you treat others and don't judge to fast about how they treat you because you don't know what their life is like. You don't know what made them this way.

So I wonder, what made me this way?

And then I wonder, How can I be different?

How can you run from demons that are inside you? I've tried. They just run next to me. No matter how loud i play my ipod I can still hear them. Run, run, run as fast as you can... you can't hide from me, I'm your fat man.

How can you stop hearing a voice that is in your head and sounds just like you? I can stand in the mirror and whisper, you are beautiful. My reflection stares back and calls me a liar.

It's been a rough week. I don't feel this every day but I do feel it a lot of days. I can pretend when I write that everything is fine, and I am fine, and life is fine, and yes, I'm just fine. But why? Life is not always fine, and I am not always fine. Pretending only makes it worse. And as girls, as women, doesn't it get old? all the pretending? all the fines?? Some days we just feel like crap.

I will admit that these days have happened less since I became a veggie. I don't feel guilty about what I eat anymore. So there's a small, but wonderful, miracle. I'll take those when I can get them. I mean seriously, I'd have to be truly demented if I berated myself for eating too much damn soy and an extra helping of salad. If I'm feeling really desperate, I'll tell myself to lay off the bread. But i do my best not to feel desperate.

I find that I start to pray a lot when these thoughts take over. Did you know that yelling out loud is considered praying if you are talking to Jesus? It is. I know, I have done it. I have yelled and cried and whispered, why? Why do i look like this? Why can't I feel better? Why does it keep coming back?
Thankfully, He answers. Normally after I stop yelling. He speaks to me.
You don't see you the way I see you. I see what I created, what I formed, way back when you were in your mother's womb. I knew what your life would be and I made you. I gave you strength, and laughter, and tears to get you through it all. I knew it wouldn't be easy and there would be pain and I knew I would be beside you the entire way. When you run, I am also running next to you. Look at me. Listen to me. And I will encourage you to keep going. I will tell you that you are strong. When you look in the mirror, look with my eyes. See the hairs on your head? I know how many are there. See your crooked teeth? I gave them to you, so you would be different. see your moles? My kisses for you. Look at your belly - do you see it? It was a home for three children I gave to you. Be proud. See those stretch marks? Battle scars for a war that was won. Be proud. Don't hide in shame. You are you. I don't see skinny or fat. I see life. And love. and pain. and mercy and grace. I see someone I died for. And someone I live for.
Don't let the devil get a hold of you. You are mine. Your thoughts-mine. Your dreams - mine. Your life- Mine. Stay with me and I will give you rest. rest from all the burdens of your past and in your mind. Rest and peace and love.

Who can argue with that?

Oh happy, veggie me! Life is good and I am healthy! Well, I could be healthier but I'm a work in progress. That's what I keep telling myself.
I have a few updates...... for you, for me. Gotta write them down so I can keep tarck of my adventure. (i'm trying "adventure" instead of "journey". still don't like that word!)

1. I am still seeing Smoke. Bastard. I actually had a nooner with him today. Doesn't happen very often. Left me feeling a little woozy. I usually wait to see him at night and tonight was no different. We hooked up four times. Jeez. It only lasted minutes and I was freezing. It may get old hearing me talk about Smoke but hey, something has to be said for the commitment.

2. I have lost a total of 15 pounds. Yay! I don't even know how this is possible because let me tell you, I have been eating horribly the past few weeks. I've been so busy, driving around all over the place, that I've been grabbing something on the road. Translate - at least 4 veggie burritos in two weeks. ugh! That, there burrito may have no meat but let me tell ya, my butt doesn't know the difference between fatty meat and carbs that cling on as if a sinking ship is sucking them down and my ass is a life boat. Oh yes, those bad boys hold on for dear life. Needless to say, I have been avoiding the dreaded scale. I hate that thing. Sometimes I want to smash it to bits and watch all the shiny pieces splatter across my bathroom floor. But oh, when it give me nice numbers, I want to get down on my knees and kiss it while whispering sweet nothings into its digital face. I know. Sick.
A few days ago I decided to bite the bullet and step on. I was sure it was not a good idea. For one, I had already showered, gotten dressed, had half a smoothie...let's face it, we girls do not get on a scale this way. Nope, we step on when we are still bleary eyed from sleep, have peed first thing, wearing only a tank top and boxers, and not one ounce of heavy water has touched our lips or our hair. But I was dying to know - just how destructive had those burritos been??? I stepped on.
It was 4 pounds higher than what it had been the week before.
I expected this. But it didn't ease the blow. I took a deep breath and got off. I continued putting my make up on. And i started talking to myself. "It's ok Shannon. No biggie. Don't beat yourself up. Been a busy week girl. Damn kids stressing you out. Too much driving all around. Just let it go. Next week will be better. YOU. ARE. NOT. FAT. (repeat) (repeat again) (and again)." NO matter how much I said this out loud, it wasn't helping. Screw it! Yup, that was said out loud too. I checked my watch. 10 minutes. I had 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. Still had to make my lunch, brush my teeth, get my shoes.. 10 minutes. SCREW IT!! Next thing I knew, i tore off all my clothes and threw them on the floor faster than you can inhale a cookie before the kids catch you. My butt jumped right back on that scale... I looked down..... numbers are flashing...... BAM! Three pounds lighter. YESSSSS!Sweet victory! I got off the scale, praising the Lord, and put my clothes back on. Three pounds of clothes. What the hell am I wearing?! I was happier, lighter, smaller, only one pound off. Oh happy, psychotic, veggie me!!!
Next day - lost that pound and here I am - 15 pounds total. Been a week and holding. Suhweet!!!!

3. Still working on being nice when insensitive comments come my way about my veggie-ism. I'm not gritting my teeth as much, letting it roll off my back. Seriously - why get so worked up? I'm veggie, not flippin' fragile. Buck up cucumber.

4. Still trying new recipes. I aim for one a week but that doesn't always happen. A few nights ago, I made some kick ass corn muffins. I did use an egg, so not vegan, but instead of milk I used a banana and added green chilis and jalapenos. YUMMY! Not only did they smell scrumptious but the taste did not disappoint either. A friend of mine passed the on to me - so worth it. Thanks C! Had them with a bowl of Minestrone soup. Very tasty.

Updates over.

Lately, on my mind has been - FRESH. I find myself craving anything fresh. So crispy and colorful and light and FRESH. Salads - yup. Good stuff. Just yesterday I bought some apples (organic -they can look a little worn but still good and NO chemicals. yippe!), dried cranberries, walnuts, and blue cheese. Can't wait to make a salad with that! Cheese...hmm. That is a dairy I can't totally cut off. I broke up with cheddar, even the sharp stuff, no mozzarella, or monterey jack. definitely no american. I'm not going to feel any guilt by eating that plastic, waxy crap. But feta and blue - oh how i love you. Just a little sprinkle and I get all excited.
A most favorite breakfast? Eggs (organic. expensive but worth it. yes they are brown and this was tough for me at first. I know, it's natural but for 33 years I preferred my eggs bleached white. Just seemed more sanitary that way. But no more! Brown, organic eggs 100% Buy them at Costco and it's a sweet deal), cut up spinach, a smidgen of feta cheese, all rolled in a wheat tortilla. One of these days I'm going to throw some sun-dried tomatoes in there and wow - Starbucks is a thing of the past.

Another fave breakfast is oatmeal with dried fruit and almonds. Now this I normally get at Starbucks. (ok - who am I kidding. Starbucks will never be a thing of the past. duh) I did try to make this on my own. I was so proud of myself. I had cranberries, raisins, golden raisins, apples, and my own almonds. I took all my ingredients to work and put the oats in the microwave. Check me out - healthy and frugal. I'm a freakin genius. Well, I thought I was until I went to get my oatmeal and discovered it had exploded all over the microwave. I think it was a combination of too many oats and too small a bowl. After I cleaned my giant mess, I had half a bowl of oatmeal that looked like sticky rice. Not the most visually appetizing meal I have to admit. I ate it. But i think it was my pride that spurred me on. I am embarrassed to say, I have not tried this again. I have however, been to Starbucks.

Last but not least - I purchased an Iced tea Maker. It sounds kind of silly at first but let me tell you, this thing rocks. In minutes, I have three quarts of freshly brewed iced tea. No jar sitting on my porch for hours. No tea leaves floating around at the bottom like forgotten fish flakes (or is that poo?). Nope, this maker has a filter and a plug. Love. It.

All in all, everything is going well. I am dying to try a cupcake recipe. I have purchased most of the ingrediants. Now if i can just figure out how to buy a couple more hours in a day and I'd be set. But they are coming! I'm hoping to get my daughter that loves to bake in there with me. I figure if she helps bake it, she may be more willing to try it. Sneaky? nah. Smart? Fo sho!

Till next time..... much love!

Isn't it amazing how you can struggle against something or someone with everything in you, as if pushing against 160 mph gale force winds of a hurricane, and suddenly, out of nowhere - calmness? All the shoving and howling suddenly ceases and you found your self in the eye of the storm. the moment when clarity prevails, the world is crisp with newness, and the angry rain has washed away all the dirt and haze, all the gunk with a determination that can't possibly be human, and our eyes can SEE. It's a beautiful thing. So beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.

The hurricanes have whipped through my life and brought clarity several times over the past months. Even though this is a beautiful thing (um, I said that already didn't I?) it means that I was fighting back against something or someone else. And that can only mean one thing - pride or ego, mine namely, had taken hold of my being and wouldn't let go. Not only would it not let go but I fed it, tended to my pride with a fierce self righteous love, knowing that I would be redeemed in the end. Oh my!IDIOT! Perhaps my storm started with rightness on my side but once the attitude, the self, the pride, steps in - all bets are off. It's no longer about making things right but only of being right. A slippery slope that I gleefully went for a ride on without even realizing what was happening. That's how those slopes are sometimes. Your walkin along, taking small steps on a descending path, skidding a little here and there to regain balance, and then whoosh! A free fall. So swift and consuming, I blinked and didn't realize I was about to fall right on my ass.


My first experience is simple, so simple that perhaps it won't have any significance for anyone but me. It's two incidents, with two different people, but came together for me as one.
It was lunch at work. As i was getting my food ready, a co-worker who knows i have gone veggie, asks me, "What's for lunch today?" Easy question, No problem. "Black bean and tofu enchilada with a salad." My co-worker - " Oh, gross." And then she plopped herself at a table and threw her face into a book. It pissed me off. Yep, probably more than it should have but I thought it was rude and really, unnecessary. I don't walk into your kitchen and sniff and say, "wow - it smells like shit in here." and walk out. Nope I don't. I looked at her lunch. Two pathetic, dried up pieces of wheat bread with an equally pathetic piece of Carl Buddig lunch meat smashed in between. Oh yeah, that looked freakin' luscious. I wanted to say that to her so bad and in hindsight, I am so happy I listened to God and kept my fat mouth shut. But before this hindsight came, (because you know - hindsight always comes when we realize how stupid we have acted), I was irritated for a few days.
About a week later, another co-worker of mine walked by, just like he has every day for the past five years, and I was suddenly hit with remorse. You see, his wife is a vegetarian and when he married her, he didn't turn veggie, but he did begin to buy and only eat, grass fed beef. At the time, I found this hilarious and crazy. It was beef that cost two to three times the amount of regular beef. What a dummy. Ironic isn't it? Now I won't even eat beef and only buy organic milk and eggs for my family. Who's the dummy now? Anyway, each time he passed by me, my remorse grew. Around 3:30 in the afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped him. I looked at him and told him how sorry I was for making fun of him in the past for eating grass fed beef. I told him that it was judgemental on my part, that I truly felt horrible about it, and I commended him for taking it all in stride. I basically told him I thought he rocked. Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or whatever. I'm saying it because I tell my kids all the time - don't judge someone for what you see, you don't know what their life is like or why they make the choices they do. Yet, I did the exact opposite of what I preach to them and I had to make it right. I had to. Thankfully, he took it all in and accepted my apology. He rocks. So, it made me think of my lunch buddy, who slammed my food and how pissed I was with her. Should I not show her the same grace I had just been shown? yes. I most definitely should.
I haven't walked in her shoes either.

Onto my next storm.
I haven't walked in this guy's shoes either but I did walk right beside them for almost ten years. I've got a first hand knowledge of what his life is like. I don't know if this helps or hurts but I was grateful for the eye that embraced me today. Calmness. What a gift.
He is my the father of my kids, my ex-husband, my first love and long time hate, but now by the grace of God only, almost a friend. Our food habits are quite extreme in difference. I am now a veggie. He hates them. I now avoid any sugar I can. He consumes it as if it is the long, lost, prodigal nutrient that has suddenly found its way home. I now try to cook most meals fresh. His generally come from a box. I could go on and on but you get the drift. COMPLETE. OPPOSITES. My new found veggieism has been a point of contention on several occasions. If you look at any of my previous blogs, I am sure you can pick these out. In a nutshell, he thinks I have turned into some sort of veggie lovin- tree huggin- yoga breathin- let's have world peace - freak. Is he crazy? I don't think the world will ever have peace. Duh.
He thinks I have lost it - gone to the green side and skip among rows of lettuce, oblivious to any practical senses. Ahem. I disagree of course but this has also pissed me off more than once. Again losing sight and only caring about being right rather than making things right. Dangerous thinking. Again - a sure way to fall flat on my ass.
The jokes come at my expense, I grin and bear it with clenched teeth (we have kids you know. I can't just drop kick him with my tongue any time I feel like it). He loudly makes his position known and I quietly restate mine. Ok, so I'm not much of a quiet person but I don't normally feel the need to exclaim at any given moment - "we are vegetable eaters here" while I turn my finger in a circle to remind him of where "here" is. Obviously we have entered unknown territory. He constantly reiterating they will continue on the unhealthy path of sugar and carnage, and me with a persistent determination to save my kids from it.
I bought my son bagels today. Two weeks worth. I made a deal with him that he would eat this for breakfast with peanut butter and a piece of fruit every day for two weeks. You see, he is having trouble at school. Trouble focusing and remembering and he is constantly grounded to the kitchen table. I'm afraid he's going to be mistaken for a chair pretty soon. He is almost ten. Way too soon to start dealing with this crap. I asked him what he eats for breakfast. His face lit up. "Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal." huh. I asked him how that works out. "I'm starving before recess comes." double huh. Maybe three months ago I wouldn't have thought the two were related but since I know the difference in how I feel - the relation cannot be ignored. How can he possibly focus when he is loaded up on sugar? How can he remember anything when he is "starving?" I know that when I am hungry all i can think about is what I'm going to eat and when. Nothing else crosses my mind. NOTHING. I can imagine for an almost ten year old it would be the same. Now, I don't think bagels are the best option but it was a compromise. He made gagging noises when I suggested oatmeal. If I want him to make better choices I better give him options he will like. So, bagels with peanut butter it is.Shockingly enough, i was slightly nervous to hand over the bag of bagels to his dad when he came to pick him up. This would cause a ruckus I was sure. Thank God I don't know everything.
He came. I explained about the bagels. I even stuttered a little. My nervousness Was apparent. I didn't want to offend and made that known. He looked at me, glanced down at the bag of bagels, looked back up at my face and mumbled, "Ok. That's fine and I'm not offended." Huh. This is a first.I could say I'm finally making him see the light and take all kinds of credit, letting my veggie pride hurl me along in a self righteous frenzy that would leave me thinking - Ha! I am RIGHT.

But I can't do that.

Because that would be wrong.

I don't think, he thinks, I am right at all. I do however, think he appreciated my attitude. I was humble. I was gentle (that's a miracle in itself) and I was considerate. This is what got him. You can't fake humbleness. A two year old can see through that. You can't fake gentleness. Well, I can't. And consideration, well, shouldn't we all try that more often?

The hurricane has passed. Half of it anyway. I am in the eye. Seeing clearly and appreciating the beauty of calmness around me. When the next half comes through, I can only pray that God will remind me to hunker down my pride and keep the attitude nailed to the plywood. Because if that plywood comes off - the windows may break. And I can only blame the person who lives in the unprotected house. Me.

It's veggie time! Once again, I find that it has been way too long since I have written. Oh my keyboard - how I have missed you! There is something so freeing about the written word, which is a little weird when you think about it, because somehow you are bound forever. It's not like i can deny what has been said. Pull up a post and "gotcha!" there it is! But it is my journey and I write (so far) without any regrets.

Speaking of my journey (and really I need a better word. "Journey" is kind of a turn off for me. If you have a recommendation, I'd love to hear it), it has been going well. Shopping, cooking, eating out, eating in general, have all gotten easier. I'm starting to get this veggie thing down. So much to learn still but I am comfortable so far with where I'm at. I haven't lost any more weight, just my ten, but my body feels so much better. Like literally, I can rub my hands all over me and that buddha belly does not have so much buddha in it anymore. yes! I had to go out and buy three new pairs of jeans because my other jeans weren't fitting so well. My hubby really likes my butt. It's not great when my jeans sag off so much it looks like I pooed myself. SEXY! So, I bought the new jeans and guess what? Lost 2 inches in my waist. bye-bye buddha! hellooooo - hubby grabbing my ass! love it!

I recently ate for the first time at a veggie/ vegan restaurant. It was awesome!! I loved not having to wonder what was in the food, instead making my choice solely on what appealed to me. As my good fortune would have it, everyone shared so I got to taste a little of everything. Some of it was ok (sushi), some of it was awesome (orange chicken - mama like!) and some was a big, fat tofu PASS!!! But now I know and it makes me happy. :) I will eat here again. Thanks K.

The only struggle I seem to have nowadays are other people's attitudes. i know, shocking right? It of course, can never be my attitude that's bad. But seriously, it's not me! It is amazing to me how the word "vegetarian" brings such a strong response from a non-vegetariian. And don't even say the word "vegan." They either think you called them a name or you're speaking alien. Actually, go ahead and say it. Then laugh at the confusion. Uh, whatis that?? (ok, not nice)
Seriously though, I promise, I have never tried to shove a carrot, zucchini, tomato, squash, cucumber, soybean, potato or tofu, down any one's throat. However, the personal offense some seem to take to my eating habits can stun me speechless. (another shocker) Just for beans and tortillas, let me write a few of my favorites. (oh, and any names will be changed to protect the Well-Meaning Ignorant and Judgemental A-hole alike). Yes, I am a respectable veggie. ;)

1. Mr. Smith - "What? What do you mean you are vegetarian now? Shannon, Shannon, look at my teeth. See these right here? (yes, his mouth is open, upper lip pulled back, and pointing at the two front "fang" teeth) What do you think these are for? EATING MEAT, that's what they are for!" This comment/ question actually came from a well-meaning, I don't want to say ignorant because I like and respect Mr. Smith, so we'll call him a Caring Opinion Spouter. Ahhh yes, grasshopper. Thank you for showing me the TWO teeth that are shaped like fangs. I did not point out though that the remaining 30 teeth are flat and designed for chewing veggies. I let this one pass. We'll call it a Get out of Henry's free card.

2. Me - "Maybe it would be a good idea to incorporate more salads into their meals. Bags of lettuce are cheap and it's easy." Mr. Buttface - "Um, excuse me but we are all MEAT EATERS here." (and yes, there was a scowl along with a finger doing a BIG circle in case i didn't know what "here" meant). This is obviously from a judgemental A-hole. Well, um, excuse me for trying to encourage a little nutrition. Last I checked, even medical meat eaters would agree veggies are a good idea on a regular basis. duh. It's called the food pyramid dummy.

3. Ms. Skinny Pants - "So I here you are vegetarian now." Me - "Yes, I am." Ms. Skinny Pants - " Well I hope you are going to be a good vegetarian, not one of those that goes to McDonalds and orders 4 bags of french fries."
Uh, I actually agree with Ms. Skinny Pants here. Potatoes soaked in oil and coming from McFatness does not equate healthy to me. I mean, if we're going to stop eating meat, why destroy our arteries with that crap and why buy it from a place that puts so much, excuse me ladies, SHIT in their food??? Come on veggies - be healthy! Maybe now I'm being a judgemental A-hole but really, that doesn't make any sense. Save a potato dude. Save a potato.

4. "Yeah, I'm a veggie now so no more meat. I'm not eating much dairy anymore either. Well, except for eggs. I am still eating eggs." Hi dumb ass. Just a little fyi - eggs are not dairy. What came first, the chicken or the EGG?? (so this was actually me that said this. See? I can hate on myself too. ;) Luckily i have a no bullshit friend who kindly pointed this fact out to me. Of course, I had probably already said it to at least 5 other people. Those 5 people - "see what happens when you stop eating meat? You turn stoopid."

5. This one is my favorite and really, I have to rant a little. This is the luxury of being the writer - I can rant whatever, whenever, I want. But since I'm not mentioning any names, this buttface is still protected. I'm ranting politely. Nice.Veggie.
Me - "I don't really feel comfortable with so, and so, and so, getting this shot. It hasn't been tested enough and I'd rather wait. You know, to see if there are any side effects we don't know about yet, because it's only been about, oh, five months. Maybe the gourd the size of a large eggplant doesn't start growing out of their necks until 10 months. You know, let's wait."
Mr. Buttface - Silence.............Silence..........BIG SIGH "HUH"......Silence............ "You know, just because you're..."
Me - "Don't even say it Mr. Buttface. This has nothing to do with my eating habits."

Mr. Buttface - " Yes. It does."
Me - "Um, no it doesn't."
Mr. Buttface - "Yes it does, now that you are vegetarian ....."
Silence. Word hangs in the air. Spoken with contempt and disgust and yes, judgement. Because now that I am vegetarian everyone, this MUST mean I have lost all common sense. Well golly, I didn't even realize common sense and sound judgement came from meat??? Is that in the chicken or the beef? Can I order a shot of it with my burger or steak? Kind of like a shot of wheat grass being put into a smoothie at Jamba Juice. Maybe the next time you eat with a friend of yours and she decides to order chicken wings, tell her to get a side of motherly love and parentall skills with it. After all, we don't want a parental deficiency on our hands. No siree. All us veggies, we are low on protein AND common sense. Now, why in the hell didn't I read that memo??? oh, probably because I am reading "Natural" magazine instead of Playboy.

I feel better. you?

I must say, being veggie is teaching me a lot about others and myself. I sound angry I know, and hey, sometimes I am. It's allowed. For me, a veggie, and the meat eater. See? We are more alike than you think.
Being veggie is showing me that people are afraid of what they do not know. You may think you already know this and to be honest, I knew this as well. It was just applied to different areas of my life. I guess you could say I became comfortable with the fear in those other areas so they aren't as shocking to me when I am confronted by them. I am prepared for those fears. This is new.
And for some reason, very personal.
Not to me, but to those that are around me. News flash. I'm not asking you to change. I'm not suggesting you do anything different in your life. We all make our own choices. I'm simply asking for a little respect, as a human being. Not a veggie freak show. Just a little joe-blow, every-day, we're all here living in this world together, respect. You don't have to agree. Nope. Not at all. Just try not to be insulting.
And so will I.

Much love to you Well-Meaning Ignorants, Caring Opinion Spouters, Judgemental A-holes, Veggies and Vegans, and yes, even you Mr. Buttface. We don't have to agree but we can all learn from each other. Perhaps we can discuss it, over a burger and a salad. Rock on.

Repentance. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Repentance. How many of us really knows what it means? I checked the dictionary. There, it states feeling sorrow for what one has done. Hmm. That's a start but the word "repentance" suggests so much more than sorrow doesn't it? It just sounds....meatier. I mean, how many of us have said I'm sorry or better yet, received an "I'm sorry" and thought "well, that kind of sucked ass." You sure don't look sorry. I dug a little deeper and found the biblical definition of repentance. Before the word "biblical" scares you off, bear with me here. In a nut shell, it does mean to feel sorrow for one's actions but it goes further then feeling sorrow. It puts some action to it. It is to feel sorrow and have a change in one's mind or will and to move in a different direction. Now that sounds like a verb! How many times have we been told "I'm sorry" and then the dummy goes right back out and does the same thing??? We all have. We have experienced it and we have done it. We're human. Which is probably why the dictionary we made gives a washed out definition of a demanding word. God expects more.

I have a purpose for bringing this up.

I see a head doctor. Three actually. One for me, one for me and my hubby, and my Jesus. before you judge and say Jesus should be enough, ask yourself how many times you wished you could hear the words spoken out loud? I am a firm believer that Jesus speaks to us through others if we would listen. And before you judge and say "why Jesus?", ask yourself how many times you have spoken to another person and it just wasn't enough. The empty spot was still there. Um, God made that hole so only he could fill it. We can put as many things in that hole we want, good or bad. We can shovel it in so fast our arms become a blur but all that happens is we become exhausted. And the hole is still there. I cover all my bases.

I see a head doctor. I hadn't seen her in a few months so she was not yet aware of my veggie conversion. As my hubby & I sat there and went over issues that seem to be on "repeat", our head doctor looked at me and asked me what is different. I was slightly taken aback. What is different about what? What is different about you? You are not the same. You are not angry. What happened? I began to tell her about my veggie epiphany, all the exercise I've been doing, the coffee & soda I had given up,all these chemicals I was putting into myself as if I was my own personal lab rat, these things I was just done with. Done. I had been one way for so long, so many years that i never even questioned what i was eating or putting into me or what was involved for me to eat that big, juicy,hamburger. I didn't think about the animals and how they are treated. It has been suggested that when we eat meat from animals that have been tortured or abused and whom die in fear while screaming - we consume that fear. Let that sink in for a minute. Now, I believe that when we die, we die. I don't think that animals fear lives in me, however; I am very much a part of why that animal dies that way. I share in that responsibility and before, I never questioned. I just did it.
And then one day I stopped. Done. In my head, in my body, I repented.
You may think these items cannot possibly be related but I disagree. She noticed. Our issues are the same. A big difference is me. (Not to take away from my hubby - he has made changes as well. But how I process and the feelings inside me have been a struggle. That is the difference in me that she noticed. love you jw)

Now, just a little side note here. I am not judging anyone that eats meat as being wrong. I have a husband and kids that eat meat and dairy without an issue. Well that's ok then. Of course for health reasons, it would make my heart soar to see them turn veggie but that will be their decision. I certainly do not see myself as better than them. But for me, for me, if after reading what I had, if I continued to eat meat it would have been WRONG. So I changed. I repented. Repentance is a very personal thing, It cannot be forced or cajoled or bribed or discussed or argued or learned. It has to come from within. Someone who feels sorrow in their soul for what they have done. Only then, only then, can an honest change take place.

Once repentance happens, once the sorrow is felt and tears are streaming down your face, the hiccups are happening because you can't catch your breath, and you're on your knees because the sorrow you felt didn't allow you to stand up. Once these have passed, brush the dirt off your knees, wipe your eyes, blow your nose, look up and smile. Then turn in the opposite direction you were once going, and MOVE FORWARD. It's not hard. You move one foot and then the next. You ask questions, get help, learn, study, talk about it, and KEEP MOVING. It is quite possible along the way that you will have haters, blow them a kiss and keep walking. It is to be expected that people will question what you have done, simply answer them. Every now and then someone will throw up in your face everything you are trying to do different and remind you of what you were. If they do it because they care, patiently explain. If they do it because they don't, because they want to bring you back down with them, RUN away from them. There is no need for that. Needless arguing and explanation helps no one.
And sometimes, every now and then, you will meet someone on your journey that wants to walk with you. (i have tears now) By all means, take their hand and walk together.
Repentance is for everyone.