OMG - I've turned veggie!

Ah! I love Christmas time.
The twinkling lights, the big smiles everyone seems to give more graciously, the intended acts of love towards those less fortunate or perhaps, maybe just down and out for the day.
I love the cooler weather that gives the ok to indulge in hoodie sweatshirts with beanies, and walking around the house in fuzzy slippers. I love Christmas songs and shopping and decorating. And yes, I love, love, love my Jesus!

And let's not forget what everyone loves about Christmas time, Jesus lovers and non alike, DUH, the food! Cookies and pies and stews and cupcakes and biscuits and BREAD! Oh yes i love the food and i love Jesus and i thank Jesus so very much for all this wonderful food!
(I also ask for forgiveness because i am SO SURE gluttony is being committed by myself on a daily basis. Ok, maybe not daily but every other day. Seriously.)

It is the one time of the year where I am like, YES! I'm so happy I'm not vegan! Because there isn't any guilt if i decide to try something with a little bit of butter or cream cheese or (ugh! dare i even say it?!?!) - MILK.

I have to admit. It is difficult to even spell the word. M-I-L-K. Nasty.

I've had some haters get in my face and say, "hey - how come you hate on milk but you still eat cheese? Is that not the same thing?? huh? HUH?!?!?!" (obviously these people are really trying to trip me up, pull a fast one on me, make me feel like I'm not really doing a good job of being a veggie. Can't you see them now? With their beady eyes and pointy fingers? Accused! Accused!!)

Well haters, Yes......and NO.

My response to that is, "well how come you eat a cheeseburger but not prime rib? How come steak but not liver or tongue or whatever that nasty soup is made out of? Doesn't that all come from a cow??" Oh i get it. That stuff is gross. It's not the same. Uh huh. Totally.

Ok, ok, so I have to admit, the hater is me. Not just me, other people have said it, but i have absolutely said it to myself too. Which to me, is not necessarily a bad thing. It's good to think about stuff, figure out where you really stand and all that.
SO i guess, to be fair, instead of Haters I'll start calling them Helpers. Let's put a more positive spin on this shall we?
Alrighty then.

Now that the treat dilemma has been settled, on to the craziest thing ever. Ok, not ever but it did shock me speechless while my family laughed hysterically and one of my daughters said, "oh mommy, maybe you should blog about it.!" (ahahahahaha!!! Yeah. She's funny). But then i thought, Hey I will blog about it.

So there we are, dinner at Taco Bell. A real Christmas treat for the kiddos since we rarely do fast food and i am so ANTI McDonald's.
We decided to eat at Taco Bell before we went to look at Christmas lights. Fun!
Well, we decided to eat at Taco Bell before we went to Starbucks and got hot chocolate and then went to look at Christmas lights.

I know, the story gets healthier by the second.

Taco Bell. I do love their crunchy tacos, although I don't eat them anymore. Even better? The double decker taco. OH. YES. Crunchy and soft TOGETHER - a taco marriage that no doubt will last forever because it is so delicious.

But I'm getting off track. I don't eat that anymore either.

I do eat burritos. Bean burritos mostly but it's CHRISTMAS so I ordered a SEVEN-LAYER burrito instead. You know, to celebrate.
Actually, it was a Seven layer minus cheese and sour cream so technically, a five layer.
Still good. Still yummy.
I loooooovvvveeeee Taco Bell hot sauce. Seriously. That stuff is the bomb-diggity. I have to get like, twenty packets of it because my favorite is mild, and i can eat almost an entire packet on two bites of food. Well, I'm sure we all are aware how snazzy these little packets are these days.
Oh yeah, someone upstairs, one of the higher-ups FOR SURE thought it would be super rad to have these cutesy little sayings on the packets. Some of them are quite funny although i have to say, i think it's a little Jack In The Box-ish. I mean, if you read some of these it definitely sounds like something Jack would say. I'm not trying to imply that Taco Bell is copying or anything, just pointing out a similarity in attitude. The packet says Taco Bell but sounds like Jack. Ya know?

So here I am, about to rip open my new packet to put on my five layer burrito, oh wait, that would be my SECOND five layer burrito, and before I did, i glanced at the packet and guess what I saw? This AWESOME, saucy little phrase, oh yes, such a snippet of humor! THANK YOU Taco Bell for thinking of it.
Real smart marketing i think. I know it made me feel like i wanted to keep eating. Fo sho.

I carry my weight in my midsection.

Yep. That's it. That was the genius move to keep those tacos moving.

I carry my weight in my midsection.

So funny Taco Bell. Truly.
I try to enjoy myself when I am eating. NOT HAPPENING when i think about how those FIVE layers are going to my midsection. Seriously. I have enough issues. I don't need a saucy little packet bringing it to my attention even more.

Let's stay with things like, "You had me at taco", or "Open quickly...I'm burning up in here" or even,"Save a bun. Eat a taco."

You know, things that will make me grin, even chuckle a little, but please, please, for the love of body images everywhere - let's leave the midsection out of it.

It's been a week since this happened. I have carried that packet with me since then. Some days i have looked at it and thought, screw you Taco Bell, I'm not even hungry!
Other times, just the opposite, Screw you Taco Bell and I AM going to eat! So suck it and to change it up a little, how about sticking it on my butt instead?!?!

But that's not very productive either.
After all, maybe Taco Bell is trying to help me, ya know, control myself.

I don't know. I think they should stick to just making tacos........and leave the midsection out of it.

It was my birthday in August.
Not my physical birthday, but my veggie one. A year ago, when i became a vegetarian i remember telling my husband that when the year came (um, my birthday!!) we would have to celebrate in some way. I felt like i would really deserve this giganto party for forsaking all juicy steaks and fat hamburgers in lieu of skinny carrots and plain potatoes. I thought that congratulations would be in order and people would come from near and far to shake my hand and say things like, "Oh my - i just don't know how you do it! You are a far better person than I", or as my head swells bigger, "Well look at you! You deserve some kind of medal or something for your perseverance in this veggie choice of yours. How do you do it??" Then the animals would all moo and oink in thanks while running free through fields of grass and mud.
Yeah, something subtle like that.

I forgot that i was not the center of anyone's universe......not anyone's except my own. This was a big decision for ME - a HUGE one in fact but only I am affected. Well, except for my kids. They would most definitely agree that they have been caught in the cross-fire of good versus evil in the food realms. The decision to stop eating meat and dairy, excluding cheese (man oh man how i looove cheese)and most processed foods was a lifestyle choice for me. Only. Me.

So my birthday came and guess what happened? Nothing.
I didn't even notice it had passed. Oh yeah i had thought to myself, wow it's been a year now, but that was it. No thoughts of how i should receive the humanitarian of the year award or selfless person nomination, nothing. It came, it went, and i kept on eating my veggies and living my life. That is what got my attention. I'm eating my veggies and just living my life. It is what it is. I am doing what I am doing.

What is the froggin' point here Shables? That's what you're thinking. Right?
Right?
My point is just that. It was a crazy change in the beginning. I didn't know how to shop for myself. I didn't have a lot of experience cooking anything that didn't come out of a box with two packets labeled "sauce" and "noodles". I could have cared less what happened to animals and how they are treated; only acknowledging them if they were going to be on my plate as rare, medium, or well-done. I didn't know how to bake anything from scratch and high fructose corn syrup sounded fancy and delicious. I lived on Diet Coke's, blissfully unaware of how they kept me fat and sluggish and Doritos were the bomb.

Crazy change in the beginning, tweaky adjustments in the middle, and then ... well, living it. Each day, every day. It's not a change anymore. It's my life.

I learned how to cook all these wonderful soups and stews that team with fresh veggies and beans. I realized that water is not torture and it really does make me feel better when i am not dehydrated and amped out on splenda. Homemade cupcakes come out of my oven and they are scrumptious if i do say so myself. But I won't. My son says it too. Since he's 11, I figure he's kind of an expert in any cake department and definitely desserts. So. There.
My cupboard is now full of bags of rice, beans, and lentils instead of hamburger helper in Salisbury Steak and Chili Taco flavors. My hands thank me. They are no longer bloated with sodium. Oh don't get me wrong - i still have chubby stubs as fingers but at least i know now that it's the chub God gave me, not Pillsbury.

So instead of spending my time wondering where all my recognition is, i have been reflecting. There have been up and downs for sure. I'll start small.

I gave up cheese. In the beginning. This lasted only a few months, weeks? I'm not sure.
It started to creep back in gradually. I would only have feta or blue on a salad.
No cheddar! Goodness no. No cheddar slices please. Cheese and crackers? Pass. With my nose in the air.
But then a little mozzarella would end up on my pasta or i would have a teeny, tiny bit of cheddar on my burritos. Minuscule really. Next thing I know it was veggie burgers with jalepeno jack cheese because if i was going to eat it i felt a lot less guilty if it was on the fancy side.
Now? Yep.
Eating grilled cheese sandwiches with abandon. (sigh) I tried. I did. I fought a good fight. But here's the thing. That fake cheese? The one that everyone says tastes like cheese and melts like cheese and you will love it like it is cheese because it doesn't hug your ass as much and your taste buds can't tell the difference? yeah. That cheese is crap. I don't care who says it tastes good. In my opinion it must have been a really, really, long time since they have had authentic cheese. It's not even close to real cheese.
Negative when it is melted.
If it melts at all.
I know that package says so, that it will melt and be delicious as a cheese impersonator, but don't fall for it. Lies. Unless you haven't had cheese in a long time and don't know the difference anymore. For the rest of us, give it up completely or resign yourself to being in a veggie turmoil. Cheese is here to stay. For now.

Ditto for coffee.
I bought a coffee maker last week.
Uh, please don't judge.
Coffee is back. But a much better version. No more syrups. No more whipped cream. Coffee and vanilla soy. Yum. So good added plain or steamed for a latte. YUM! The Starbucks near my house must be wondering why their profits have been down lately and it is because i am no longer going there, daily, to quench my coffee crave, all the while telling myself i wasn't addicted to it because i wasn't breaking down and buying a new maker. (i sold my old one at a garage sale when i gave it up the first time. Dumb. trust me - the attic is a far wiser choice)Oh sure. I did stop drinking coffee for a long time. Almost the entire year. I switched to tea.
Tea.
It's not a good coffee.
It is good when you are sick. Yes, of course it is. It is lovely on a hot day with ice. But in the morning, while driving to work waiting for the heater to kick in? No. That is coffee's job. Ahhh. Hello coffee. Welcome back.

The clincher is when i saw that Silk now makes a creamer. Wellllll hello!!!! I swear, i honestly felt like God had answered a prayer. Right there in the Henry's refrigerator aisle i thanked Him. "Thank you God for soy creamer and coffee. Yesssss!!!!"
Just like that.
But in a whisper so no one thought i was crazy.
Of course now the hubs is drinking it with me so if i felt any guilt before, pssh, it is gone now. It looks like i did us both a favor. Thanks to you Target for having it in sale for $15. Whoo. Hoo.

This last one? Not so easy. But i must, must, write about it because it has been such an issue for me.

A big bonus to going veggie was all the weight i thought i was going to drop. I mean, i wasn't going to be one of those carb-inhaling (although i did a fab job of this on Thanksgiving), french-fry-buying, quesadilla-eating-every-5-minutes vegetarian. Make no mistake, I love all of these things and i will eat the fries off your plate if they look ignored with a quickness, and slather a bunch of guacamole on a quesadilla and i may kiss you, but i am a good veggie.
Meaning: i eat a lot of them on a very regular basis.
Veggies, fruits, beans, lentils, all of these are regular participators in my diet. I did drop 15 pounds relatively quickly.
I was ECSTATIC.
Oh yes i was. I would jump on that scale in the morning with joy to see if i had lost another pound or if I was holding steady. Steady was good.
Losing was better.
The best. For the first time i felt skinny and i wasn't ready to chew anyone's arm off, mainly my own, in the process. I began to work out on a regular basis. Yoga became my friend. Walking miles and miles brings me pleasure. But after a while i began to notice something.

The pounds were coming back.

So did panic. And self-loathing. And the avoidance of wanting to be naked within 10 feet of my husband. And the insane (i mean it too. Insane. Mental. Freak.) impulse to do anything, ANYTHING, to make them disappear again. I wanted to starve myself. Eat nothing but celery and drink water.
That lasted about 20 seconds.
I told the hubs about this plan to make sure it wouldn't last longer than 30. I have no follow through when it comes to starvation.

I was pissed. Confused. I wanted to cry. What the hell?! What is up?! I'm doing everything right and here i am, again, at a number i didn't want to see.
SHIT. BALLS.
This obviously meant that no, i wasn't doing something right. And if i was, then something is very, very, wrong with me. Defective. Well, that was news eh? Something I've never thought before.
Again. S. B.

What to do? How would i tackle this task? Where would i start? I waited and waited and plotted and planned. I wanted an answer.

I finally got it.

Give yourself a break already.

A whisper. God? My conscience? My hubs? My best friend? All of the above?
Maybe. Probably. Yes.
They can't all be wrong can they?

So i decided to give myself a break. I put the scale on the side of the cabinet so it's not the first thing i see every morning. I continue to eat healthy veggie. I keep working out. I limit the negative self talk to one or two comments a day and then i tell it to go where the devil is gonna live. I'm so over it. I'm over feeling like i have to be, be... be....

Skinny.

I am what I am. I am fleshy. ha! I actually don't mind that word. I'm gonna make fleshy the new sexy. At least in my house.

I heard this conversation the other day.
Two girls are at a pizza place. One girl is chowing down and the expression on her face is orgasmic. Seriously. Must have been some good fluppin' pizza. The other girl eats one piece and stops. Says she can't eat anymore. When asked why the hell not, she goes on to explain that she has gained a few pounds and now has a "muffin top." So she's not going to eat anymore.
Not even pizza that may give you an orgasm.
Those muffin tops are powerful suckers. I hate them. Effin muffin top suckers.

The 1st girl asks her if she's ever undressed in front of a guy.
2nd girl: Yes.
1st girl: What did he do? Did he run away? Did he leave?
2nd girl: No.
1st girl: Of course he didn't. He was with a naked woman. he felt like he won the floppin' lottery.
1st girl: (Big smile as she gets the point and begins to partake in pizza. Orgasm smile follows)

The conversation above is courtesy Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to shout out when this scene was over - EFF yeah!!!! Oh wait - i think i did.

Now, I'm not saying i want to be ginormous and unhealthy. On the contrary, I am the healthiest i have ever been. I know. I have the test results to prove it. So maybe my body has different ideas about weight than I do. All i know is, I'm not going to stress on it anymore. At least, not anymore today and hopefully not much tomorrow.

I am healthy. I do love food and i am pretty positive i have an orgasm face with my food as well. I'm going to enjoy it because last i checked, when i undress in front of the hubs, he's looking like he won the lottery.


To summarize? I am happy in my choice to be a healthy veggie. Sure sometimes i smell a hamburger or see a big bratwurst with peppers and onions and think, "dang, that looks really good and smells like...... orgasm." ha! Not really. Not orgasm, but for just a second I'll close my eyes and take a big whiff.

And then i keep going. I don't have to pretend i don't like it. I don't have to do anything. I could eat that bratwurst if i want to. Who's gonna stop me?

It's my choice. It's my freedom. I am going to enjoy it all.

Happy belated veggie birthday to me. :)

It's so strange when I don't write for weeks, (oh who am i kidding?) months, at a time. I'll think of something and write it down in the notebook I carry with me, or a post- it I grab while at my desk at work, or a receipt floating in my car after a trip to the store. I have all these notes and half sentences jotted down, incomplete thoughts about food and, and, and .....well, food and how much I love it or hate it, depending on the day, that I know I want to elaborate on. But then time slips away, family is busy, or life starts happening faster than I want it to. I can barely keep up sometimes. But this, this I must make time for. I must, or I will go crazy. So here it is, the latest veggie news. I'm going to call it my veggie stew. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, big chunks of "no way!" and small pieces of "ewwwww!" Just like any stew that's made up of whatever you found in the kitchen that is almost bad but not quite. A little soft, a little squishy, but not hairy yet so throw it on in and grab a spoon.

DINNER WITH A WEED
I try to make one new recipe a week. This doesn't always work out but I don't want to get bored. Last week I made Shrimp Linguine with arugula. A friend provided the recipe (with a picture! A necessity I must say because half the stuff I cook I've never seen before) and even the bag of arugula. Now that got me excited because I do get nervous still about all the green, leafy options at the store. What the heck do you do with all that stuff?? My salads can only grow so much. So there I was, chopping my onion, throw it in the pot, grabbing the minced garlic, throw it in the pot, grab the shrimp, throw it in the pot. My house smelled amazing! All buttery and garlicy. Yum! Linguine finishes, drain, throw it in the pot with the shrimp, garlic and onion, and then.... the piece de la resistance! The arugula! I grabbed handfuls out of the bag, threw it in the pot, and stirred it all up. I loved how the heat started to make it soft, so that it wrapped itself around the linguine like a blanket. MMmmmmmm.. I was excited! I love seeing green in my food. It reminds me that I am vegetarian. It makes me feel very proud and yes, even slightly snobby sometimes.
"Oh, what is it you ask? Why, it is organic A-RUUU-GU-LA. (insert open-mouthed shock here) Have you never had it before?!"
Then Jeff busted into my veggie heaven for a moment. Have I tried the arugula?? Um, no. But most of what I eat I don't try until i actually put it in my mouth.

So Jeff tried it.

Needless to say, the look on his face was crushing my dream of the perfect, snobby, arugula meal. He assured me it would probably taste better in the pasta but maybe I should stop stuffing the pasta with all the "weeds" I hadn't bothered to taste yet. Well then, excuse me! (but secretly I thought maybe he had made a good point. May.Be.)

We sat down to eat and I put a giant forkful of pasta with the linguine-hugging arugula in my mouth. It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. Until the pasta had disintegrated and all i had was the arugula.
Jeff was right.
It was a weed. And not the kind that makes you want to eat more.
That recipe has been stricken from the dinner menu. But I vow to continue trying new veggies. They can't all taste like weeds. Right?

I REALLY LOVE THE LOVING HUT
A few months back I went to The Loving Hut, a cute, little place located in North Park. Initially I wasn't too interested in going there because I had heard the lady that owns it thinks she's some kind of god. I have issues with that. But after a few months I got over it. Jesus walked with prostitutes. I'm pretty sure I was ok eating at a restaurant. I wasn't going to drop to the floor and worship her after I ate my tofu, know what i mean? So I went. And I loved it! It was so crisp inside. Everything is white and green and quite lovely actually. Except for a dirty fork and a bug in the water, it was awesome. I would recommend it to anyone and i can't wait to go back. I had the Spicy Cha-Cha Shrimp. Yum! We did wonder though how they make the shrimp? Do they have a shrimp mold or something? It looked like shrimp. It tasted like shrimp. But it wasn't shrimp! Ah, the magic of tofu.

AHHH, CAFFEINE
I had my first coffee in months a few weeks ago. I had done this before a few months ago and it was awful. I don't know why after it tasted awful I would try again. Glutton for punishment maybe? I get off on wasting $5 on a beverage? I guess I was hoping it would be delicious because i bought the biggest one you can get. Wouldn't you know it?
It freakin' was!!!
Iced hazelnut latte with soy. mmmmm all nutty and creamy and cold. I love you.
But i won't drink you very often.
I refuse to get addicted to coffee.
At least that's what I tell my Starbucks lady every day when I get my tea. Addicts suck. Seriously.

WHAT'S UP TRUCKER?
I've noticed something about myself recently. Ok, not recently, I have always been this way but it's been bothering me recently. The way i eat. It's ridiculous. I can sit down with my family, we pray, and then we begin to eat. We all start eating at the same time. But no matter what it is, I always finish first. ALWAYS.

It's slightly disturbing.

I chew with my mouth closed and I count to thirty like all the books say (actually no, I don't do that. It's like 30 minus 25 but still. Who counts to 30? I'd chew half my face off by then.), I put my fork down between bites (ok, maybe every other bite), but all in all, I just eat normally. Well, obviously not normally. Granted, one of my kids has to separate all of her food and only eats one item at a time so of course I'm going to eat faster than her.

But she's a freak so it doesn't count.
(i say that with all the motherly love inside me too. She knows. Freak = I love you).

It finally dawned on me that I eat prison style. Like any second some "trucker", (that's what all the boys in juvie called the juvie girls. Truckers. Meaning they came in hot but by the time they leave they're all meated out on carbs and now resemble truckers. That also probably has something to do with the fact that you aren't aloud to shave your legs. Hairy legs and lots of carbs = Trucker) is going to come by and snatch my food away so I have to scarf it down as fast as I can.
It's a problem.
If you ever see me eat, you'll notice. You can call me out if you want. Like, "hey Shables - get down prison style!" Just don't call me a trucker. I may shove a carrot in your eye.

HIM AGAIN?
I smoked.
In the past two months I bought one pack, smoked less than half, threw the pack away. I bought another pack two weeks later and declared to my hubby that I was going to smoke every single one and he better not say a word about it.
He didn't.
I've bummed a few here and there since but I still consider myself a quitter.
I will be a good quitter one day. I know it. One day I'm going to be the best quitter.

AND A LITTLE MORE OF THAT....
I don't really like bok choy much. Although I love to say it. For a little while bok choy was what I called my hubby. As in, " I love you bok choy!!!" Sexy isn't it?

I do love cous-cous. I think I could eat it every day. I know for sure I can sing the song every day. You're my little cous-cous, you don't know what I got! Who can't love that???

Annie's Goddess dressing is da bomb! Thank God everyone else in family thinks it tastes like crap. More for me. They have no idea what they are missing out on.

I don't like ice cream sandwiches. Never have.
However, I do seem to get along quite well with Tofutti Cuties. With a name like that, how can you not want one?
Although the first time I bought a box and pulled out a Cutie I thought I had been robbed. I was ready to take the box back and tell them some assjack had cut the Cuties in half!!!
But no, that is their actual size. Cute eh?
Those healthy veggies are pretty smart too. Enjoy the yummy stuff but not too much or you may not have a cutie booty anymore.

My favorite spice is Cumin.
LOVE. THAT. CUMIN.
Just watch how you pronounce it or someone may think you are trying to get pervy with them. Super good and smells fabulous too. MmmmHmmm!

That's it for now. I think I've gone through all my post-its, receipts, and notebook. Whew!

I'll close by saying, I Love being a vegetarian. Every now and then I'll smell a BBQ and it smells amazing! But I couldn't eat it. Not anymore. I just love the way I feel! The pounds aren't dropping anymore, only lost the 15, but I'm ok with that right this second. In a few more seconds, maybe not, but hey, I'm me and there's no one else like me! So there. I'm going to love myself like it or not. :P

OMG my veggie friends, it's been quite some time. What can I say, I've been meeting with another blog and juggling two suitors at once has never been my style. I've always had the mindset that just one should meet all of your needs, and I've discovered that while this may be true with men, it's just not hitting the spot in the soul writing. While my other blog is permitting me to search the deep, dark, secret caves in my heart, this blog allows me to run free, with a smile on my face, leaping into sunshine. Balance folks, is key.

So, where were we?

Let me start by assuring you that yes, I am still a veggie. It's been 7 months and I continue to get the question, "So, are you still doing you whole, diet, vegetarian thing?" Yes I am. Originally I was a little irritated by the question but that's not fair to my carnivore friends. It is a big change and like new year resolutions, sometimes big changes only last a day or two. Gratefully, this change has permeated to my core and very similar to my faith in Christ, I don't expect to forget why I chose this and the better person I feel has emerged because of it. Hallelujah.

Big, big news my veggie friends. Smoke is out of the picture. yep, I dumped him. I still hesitate to say, FOREVER!, because well, to be honest, if something really horrific happened I may just run to the nearest store and snap him up before you could blink, shove him in my mouth, and suck really hard, just like any good girl does to get her fix.
But, maybe not. I'm taking it day by day. I'm hoping and praying he's not my master anymore. I don't want to drop to my knees for anyone that wants to hurt me any longer and let's face it - he was killing me.
It's been a little more than a month now. I wish I could say I had this huge epiphany and i suddenly realized all the great virtues of not smoking but that'd be one fat, gristle filled lie. Nope. Instead, I watched.
I watched someone I know quit smoking that's been well, like a smoking legend in my mind. I've discovered that all my smoking partners in crime have played a role in my life.

There's the Sunshine Party-Girl friend. Smoking with her was fun. We would light up with a twelve pack and giggle our asses off for hours. It was chick bonding without the drama of other chicks. A pack of smokes and a dozen empty cans later, we'd high five our throaty bedroom voices and yell to all the boys that drove by, "Is it you? Are you the one?" and then collapse into more giggles because at that time, "the one" was a joke.

There's the No Bullshit-I'm Honest to the Core-Best friend. Smoking with her was a ritual. Hours were spent talking, smoking, crying, laughing, discussing the ups and downs of life, endings of marriages (um yeah, those would be mine, two in fact), one night stands or lack thereof, raising kids, religion, and the craziness of just getting through life. We bonded on such a deep level over an ashtray, it was hard to imagine not having that anymore. How would we communicate now? And almost more troublesome, what the hell would we do with our hands?

Then we have The Other Half smoker. This of course refers to MY other half. My sounding board. My dork fest partner. My occasional head-butting competitor. At a very dark and scary time - my enemy.And now, the one that I never want to live without. Most evenings not so long ago, we could be found on our porch swing with a beer and smoke, talking about nothing and everything. Our discussions would span our workday, what was going on with the kids, our families, religion (wow - these would be a doozy. Sometimes I would go through an entire pack on these discussions - praise the Lawd!) our marriage, how our marriage might end, and how our marriage was saved.
We quit smoking together.
I confess, when there has been a weak moment, it has been mine.

There was one night, two weeks ago, and he found a smoke in the garage. Oh my - it was like he just told me he found a $100 bill and I could go shopping at Target and have ice cream after. I was freakin' ecstatic! Giddy I tell you, I couldn't wait to get my lips on that thing. We decided to share and prepared ourselves. Slippers, jackets, beers, and oh crap - where is a lighter? For the love of....!?! Are there any matches in this house?! Ah, yes! It was raining so we went into the garage and lit it up.
I have to admit, it wasn't all I had hoped for. My expectations were way too high. It was like going on a date with a really hot guy, or ok wait, maybe a really funny guy so he looks hotter than he really is. Ok, he doesn't look hot at all but you're trying not to be a bitch about it. He's just funny. Conversation is good, laughs are abundant and so is the alcohol. Next thing you know,. making out, clothes are off and then ...whoa nelly! Where is it?? And then, even worse because you've already made all these excuses for him; it's how you work it, it's chilly in here, the alcohol..... but......that's it?? Already? Really?

yeah, it was kind of like that.
So, that's the last one I have had. Not that I haven't craved one. Because I have. But then I think of the funny guy with the small weenie and it kills it for me.

Then there's The Legend Smoker. Now I don't want to overdo it here so don't let the name fool you. I call him this because well, it seems like he has always smoked, that he always would smoke, and he didn't really give a shit what you thought of him smoking although he was never rude or obnoxious about it. You know, the way legends should be. Except that he quit. Just like that. Bought some gum and started chewing.
I watched him and I was amazed.
He did what I didn't think I could do. He abandoned our smoking circle to go off on his own and quit. Quietly. No blog. No facebook. No fanfare. Just quit. And as far as I know, he still isn't smoking.

It was a domino effect. I decided I wanted to quit too. My Other Half was with me. My Party Girl friend had already quit as well as my No Bullshit-I'm Honest to the Core-Best friend. I was the last to go. But I went.

It hasn't all been easy. there were days when I would have been quite happy to rip my own face off or chew my hand to the bone. One night while I was arguing with my ex, I frantically looked for my package of Don't Smoke Dummy gum and shoved in one piece, then two, then 3 pieces of gum at once. I chewed viciously until my jaw started popping.
But here I am. Still Smoke free. yay!

I don't know what my label would be, how I would be described. Addicted is what I was. Addicted is what I still am.
I'm just abstaining. For now, today, and hopefully, forever.

My veggie body feels amazing. No more bad food. No more bad sugar. No more bad soda. And now, no more bad rat poison. Sweet.

It's been awesome my veggie friends. I have so much more bubbling up inside me. Until next time..... :)

The fam and I watched Food, Inc. two nights ago. I wish I could say everyone was excited about watching it but in reality, it was a mandatory viewing event. I didn't care much if any of the kids didn't want to see it. I didn't care that Jacob wanted to spend the night with a friend or that Bre was reading a book. Nope,I wanted them to see it. I felt it was important because it would expose them to something new, something different, something opposite of what they think is ok and above all, I wanted to make them think. I wanted them to think outside of themselves, and their lives, and our own family bubble and see what happens outside of our protective box. I wanted them to question and ponder. We learn so early in English class the four W's (and the H gets thrown in there too) - what, where, why, how and who? But how often do we really ask those things? Any of us? It's time. It's time to ask. It's time to know. It's time to change things.

How will we know what we want to do unless we are shown how things really are? Our food does not come from the grocery store. It was not grown in a well-lit, clean building and packaged in perfect boxes with slogans screaming for our attention. NO, there are two vast differences in where our food comes from. It is not pleasant TV. It will not make us laugh or give us warm fuzzies. It will not elevate our self-esteem and show us how great we are. No, it is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and puts a mirror in our face that could quite possibly reflect an image that makes us feel queasy. An image that is completely necessary and will propel us to do something different or turn our face away and pretend what we saw isn't real or is exaggerated. Some of us will make justifications and excuses to make ourselves feel better and some will succeed in acting with a false ignorance. But none of us will forget.

So, do happy cows really come from California? Does chicken poop really smell like money? Are pigs really smarter than dogs? I'm thinking no, unfortunately yes (to some selfishly sick greedy yahoo's) and yes. I have to say, I will never, ever, EVER, purchase a Tyson product. What a swell guy, what a champ, to have multiple chicken farms, farms without any windows, where chickens are harvested in total darkness from the moment they are born until they die. In the dark, because they don't make a big fuss in there. In the dark, so that way when some fat farmer goes in to grab him by the legs and throw him in the truck it doesn't put up a fight.In the dark, because hey, what they do they need light for anyway? I mean, they can't walk right? Oh no, they've been injected with so many hormones their bodies grow faster than their legs can keep up with them. So they sit, get fat, and are killed. Um, hello people. If they can't stand or walk, where do we think they shit? And when they do, where does it go? I would have to assume it stays under the chicken and he sits right back down in it. mmmm, yum. But hey, i know what you are thinking - those chickens are obviously skinned, cleaned, and sanitized before it ever hits your grocer's freezer and then your BBQ. No chicken poo residue. Well guess what? You are right. It is sanitized. With ammonia. Now doesn't that sounds scrumptious? The next time you decide to grill that moist chicken breast, you can rest assured it has been dipped in ammonia, the same stuff you use to clean your windows, is on your chicken. Yummy.
But the fun doesn't stop there. Oh no. The cows get in on this jacked up cycle of greed too. Old MacDonald had a farm....e.i.e.i.oooo. We all know those McDonald brothers are richer than rich, what with all those tantalizing Big Mac's and Quarter Pounders. But guess what? Those aren't grass fed cows you're eating, Nope. Those cows were forced to evolve to corn eating. How kind of us. Now maybe the cows aren't dropping dead from eatimng corn, but, does anyone wonder why should they? Wouldn't we, as human beings, just be ecstatic, if we were forced to eat a food, not because that's what we were designed to eat it, but because it made us fatter faster? Oh wait... we have evolved. My bad. Cows are meant to eat grass. Duh. Most of them are fed corn. Why? So someone can get rich. So someone can make a buck. Greed. One of the seven deadly sins. Right up there with gluttony. Nice. It looks like we are well on our way of keeping up with that list.

The sad thing is, I can't bag on all the farmers. They are stuck in this vicious cycle as well. It's shocking and heartbreaking really. No, it's the man in the suit, the man that doesn't have to pick up a dead chicken or a sick cow. The man that doesn't have to shovel their shit or even smell it for that matter. The man that sits in his office, with his briefcase, behind a desk, and decides, how can I get richer? And we let him.

I was amazed at the differences between the animals at a huge money-making farm, where they are penned in, hundreds to thousands of them, without any room to walk and their feces everywhere, to the farmer who had his animals outside in the grass and sunshine, eating grass and hay. I wanted to jump through the TV screen and hug him. A farmer with a standard. With beliefs and the ability to not compromise. It was so impressive. Even more so to see the people that drive hundreds of miles to buy food specifically from him because they share the same standard and belief. Rock on. I won't purchase meat for my family any longer if it does not have the label "free-range" or "grass-fed" on it. Yes, my grocery bill will be higher but I'm ok with that. Some things are more important than money.

I only told Jacob to close his eyes twice, and it was mostly because I wasn't sure what we were about to see. I'm still a little lost on how all the pigs died. Were they gassed??!
But Jacob looked at me with the most solemn expression and said, "I'm never eating bacon or ham again. Those poor pigs. It's sad mommy." Sammi, the greatest offender of eye-rolling at anything veggie related, simply said "gross." Bre, well she didn't say much.

I've told them time and time again they don't have to be like me. I'm not asking that they become a vegetarian. I'm only asking that they think about what they are eating.

Which brings me to the crop that affects me the most. The soybean. I didn't realize someone could put a patent on a bean. It's not just a patent on a bean folks. Oh no. It's bigger than that. It's a patent on food. Someone wants to control a basic need that we all have in order to survive. Pretty smart really. Unless you're a sadistic bullying asshole. Then it's sick and controlling. A god complex. It was horrifying to realize that said patent er could put any farmer that doesn't use his bean out of business. A soybean mafia. Disgusting.
Picture yourself a farmer. Here you are, trying to make a living from the land. You seed, you fertilize, and then you harvest your crop. Then, what do you do with all those seeds? Well throw them away of course! Oh genius!That seems really smart right? Well, not to the farmer. And not to anyone else in the population who has any brains or common sense. It's a seed for goodness sake! It means it will grow more food so plant the little sucker. But oh no. Not if you are a soybean farmer. Then you must throw away your perefectly good seed and buy a genetic seed from the soybean mafia. If you don't, some dude dressed in black knocks on your door and puts your name on a list. A hit list if you will. Soon, soon, you will be out of business because you'll owe so much in legal fees, fighting for the right to farm your OWN seed on your OWN land from your OWN crop.
I've always had a special contempt for bullies. I can't stand it when people push around others just because they can. It makes me want to drop kick them on their ass. Even more so when it affects what I put into my body.
I've told Jeff from the moment I became a veggie that I can't believe how versatile a soybean is. That little slut gets around. And it gets around quite a bit in my own diet. What's a veggie to do? Cut back. What else can I do? Learn how to make my own veggie burgers,cut back on the fake meat, use rice milk instead of soy. I'll do fine with less of it. Because if I don't cut back, I'll be guilty of perpetuating the cycle. The cycle of greed and school-yard bullying. The cycle of breaking an honest man trying to make a living so a giant company can get richer. Oh and this is the real clincher - the owner of that soybean? Same dude that owns Round-Up. Sweet. Cool. I love it when I look a little closer, I see how related food and pesticides are. Like second cousins that get caught doing it. It doesn't seem right but we look the other way because even though it's a cousin, they're twice removed. Sick. Some things just shouldn't mix.

I feel like my last few blogs have been really serious. I haven't made any jokes about my ass or spoken of my latest rendezvous with Smoke. I haven't complained about my muffin top or given a play by play of what I have eaten. I almost felt guilty for not being light-hearted enough, but then it hit me.

It's not all about me.

There's a bigger picture. If I don't delve into the bigger picture more often and see what else is going on around me, I've become a victim of complacency. Or maybe even the perpetrator. I have a feeling that's what they all hope for.

It has been said that "With great power comes great responsibility". As humans, we have the greatest power over all living things. We have intelligence. We have strength. We have the ability to speak and listen. We can build things for the greater good or for the greed for ourselves. It is our choice. We have free will. We all make choices every day to stand for something or to stand for nothing. It is our choice. In having this free will, we also have the undeniable power to abuse the very things that have been entrusted to us. We can choose to have compassion or we can choose to harden our heart and care only for our own wants and desires. When we look at our lives, when I look at my own life, what will I see? Have I stood for those that cannot stand for themselves? Have I spoken and defended the ones that cannot speak and therefore are defenseless? Have I turned my back in the name of convenience and the love of money on living beings that feel just as I do? Where have my choices led me?

With great power comes great responsibility.

"Then God said, Let us make human beings in our image and likeness. And let them rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the tame animals, over all the earth, and over all the small crawling animals on the earth." So God created human beings in his image. In the image of God he created them. He created them male and female. God blessed them and said, "Have many children and grow in number. Fill the earth and be its master. Rule over the fish in the sea and over the birds in the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
And rule over them we have. But is it as God intended? When God said to rule over them did He, the epitome of LOVE and all it defines, mean to torture and to kill these very animals that he also created, in the worst ways we can think of?

We look at people that abuse dogs, those that kick or beat them, as inhumane. We are indignant and self-righteous. We want to protect them and send those that treated them badly to jail.
But dogs are our pets. So I would assume that because we choose not to eat them, that makes them more important than any other animal?
What would we say to someone that would want to hang a dog by his hind legs and shock him with an electric poker? What would we do if we saw someone kick a sick dog that was already on the ground and drag him around while laughing? I'm sure none of us would just stand there. We'd probably think it is completely appropriate to give that jackass a taste of his own medicine and beat him with a stick.
Would it be ok to put a dog in a room full of other dogs and stuff it so full of them that they can't even move to go to the bathroom? Is it ok for them go the bathroom where they are standing and let them wallow in it? Should it be allowed that if a dog is sick, that we euthanize that dog and then grind him up and feed him to the rest? GROSS. Ok - just kidding! Let's mix the ground up dog then with hard dog food to make it right and no one will know the difference. That makes perfect sense.

All these suggestions are ridiculous of course. We would never do that to a dog. Dogs are man's best friend. Huh.I bet they thank their lucky stars for that. Otherwise, they'd wind up on someones plate with a bottle of A1 and a side of french fries.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

What have we done with our power? Have we been responsible? Have I?

Not always. Not by any stretch of the imagination will I stand on my preacher box and claim I've never done these things. I am guilty. I admit it. I'll shout it out. Guilty! The great thing, the blessed mercy, is that I don't have to remain that way.

Food has been on my mind a lot lately. What I eat, why I eat, where what I eat comes from, what i feed my family, what limits I set for myself and for them.
Being a veggie is not convenient. It is not for the undisciplined. It is not inexpensive and it is not for anyone that cares one bit what anyone else thinks of them. I am amused by the comments that I receive, "wow- you're still doing the whole "veggie thing" huh?" or even better, "there's only a little bit of meat in it - you can pick it out can't you?" Um, NO. If you mixed a Bloody Mary, would you hand it to the alcoholic and ask that he filter the vodka? Duh.That would be a stupid.

The more that I learn, the greater need i feel to speak out. How can I keep quiet, and really, why should I?

Now, I know that not every animal is treated badly. There are some good ranchers out there and you know what? Props to you rancher man for having a moral standard. I'd like to believe these ranchers are the majority. I'd also like to believe if I wear a baggy sweatshirt no one will notice my muffin top. Wouldn't we all love it if that were true? The sweatshirt industry would be right up there with 5 inch heels and push up bras in sexy status. Victoria's Secret will have some stiff competition - Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. Bow-chicka-wa-wa....

What I have I done to be more responsible? I have chosen to not eat meat. Do i think that is the choice everyone should make? Not necessarily. I have a friend that informed me a few days ago that she is buying half a cow. I was kind of shocked at first.
Where was she going to put it?!
And how can you only buy half a cow???
But my friend is a very morally responsible girl and she loves all creatures. (Except roaches. But who can fault her for that? Every time i crush one I think to myself, why God? Seriously - when I get to heaven, I'm asking Jesus what the purpose for that little sucker was). Anyway - half a cow. I was fascinated to learn that you can literally buy meat on the Internet from a rancher that feeds their animals only grass, no additives, on a ranch where it roams free, and it is killed, but done so humanely. (and yes, I do think this is possible. I couldn't do it but props to the moral rancher man that can). Hmmm. Not my personal choice but the point is that there are many ways to be morally responsible and she has chosen one that suits her and her family. Cool.
Although I haven't seen the website myself, I'm sure she has done her homework. She is quite tenacious and informed about these sorts of things. And if for some reason this website is bogus, the poor bastard that put it up better run for his life before she catches him.

We have been given a responsibility and great power. There are many ways to use this power for the good. Convenience and laziness are not the answer. Think about it. What can you do? You may be surprised at all the different options.

No matter how great i feel in my veggie body, my first reaction - still - when something, anything, goes wrong is, gotta stop eating.

The shirt looks a little tight..... gotta stop eating.
My damn hair is frizzy....gotta stop eating.
I don't have anything to wear...gotta stop eating.
My ex-girlfriend dropped me a line....gotta stop eating.Oh, and please don't look at me naked.
I'm so tired, no nooky tonight...gotta stop eating.
oh yes, i want you so bad right now... gotta stop eating.

Yes, these whispers don't stop even when something good is said. It doesn't matter because you see, it would be better if i was thinner. Always, for some length of time, whether it is seconds or minutes, hours, or days and months, my problems are credited to me being fat.
He would have loved you more/ longer/ better, if you were skinny.
You would be The ONE, if you weren't fat.
You'd be a better daughter, if you exercised more.

I grew up always thinking if I was thinner, my life would be better. The sun would shine a little brighter, the air would be a little crisper, my step a little lighter, and my smile would stop old ladies and hot guys in their tracks. If only I was thinner. I wouldn't fear the dark anymore, I could charm sharks if I chose, and everyone that is supposed to love me - would. If only I was thinner.
This is foolish. In my adult mind, i know this makes zero sense but it is there nonetheless. It cracks me up when I hear people encourage others to find their "inner child" and listen to her. I prefer to tell her to shut up.Go away. Nothing good is coming from her mouth. She whispers to me always... gotta stop eating. As if I could. As if i should. Hello! I don't want to die. I don't want to starve myself. Jeez, i love food and I love to eat. But there's the conundrum, the constant war within myself. Gotta stop eating.

Sometimes she is silent and I am left alone and happy. I enjoy myself and a little soy ice cream. Every now and then, I feel pretty. But just when I think she's gone for good, something happens... a look, an answer that doesn't come fast enough, a compliment that never appears,or a pretty girl from the past that does. Then here she comes... Gotta stop eating. And she slaps me in the face with comparisons that I cannot win. Memories I cannot compete with. She's such a bitch. She hits below the belt, or in my case, anywhere beneath my boobs, and gets me where it hurts the most and I scream inside until it echoes in all of me... GOTTA. STOP. EATING! But of course I do. And then she laughs and calls me weak. I could call her a lot of names. Insecurity. Fear. Isolation. Mother. Shannon. I hate her and I love her. Because she is me.

I tell my kids always, be careful how you treat others and don't judge to fast about how they treat you because you don't know what their life is like. You don't know what made them this way.

So I wonder, what made me this way?

And then I wonder, How can I be different?

How can you run from demons that are inside you? I've tried. They just run next to me. No matter how loud i play my ipod I can still hear them. Run, run, run as fast as you can... you can't hide from me, I'm your fat man.

How can you stop hearing a voice that is in your head and sounds just like you? I can stand in the mirror and whisper, you are beautiful. My reflection stares back and calls me a liar.

It's been a rough week. I don't feel this every day but I do feel it a lot of days. I can pretend when I write that everything is fine, and I am fine, and life is fine, and yes, I'm just fine. But why? Life is not always fine, and I am not always fine. Pretending only makes it worse. And as girls, as women, doesn't it get old? all the pretending? all the fines?? Some days we just feel like crap.

I will admit that these days have happened less since I became a veggie. I don't feel guilty about what I eat anymore. So there's a small, but wonderful, miracle. I'll take those when I can get them. I mean seriously, I'd have to be truly demented if I berated myself for eating too much damn soy and an extra helping of salad. If I'm feeling really desperate, I'll tell myself to lay off the bread. But i do my best not to feel desperate.

I find that I start to pray a lot when these thoughts take over. Did you know that yelling out loud is considered praying if you are talking to Jesus? It is. I know, I have done it. I have yelled and cried and whispered, why? Why do i look like this? Why can't I feel better? Why does it keep coming back?
Thankfully, He answers. Normally after I stop yelling. He speaks to me.
You don't see you the way I see you. I see what I created, what I formed, way back when you were in your mother's womb. I knew what your life would be and I made you. I gave you strength, and laughter, and tears to get you through it all. I knew it wouldn't be easy and there would be pain and I knew I would be beside you the entire way. When you run, I am also running next to you. Look at me. Listen to me. And I will encourage you to keep going. I will tell you that you are strong. When you look in the mirror, look with my eyes. See the hairs on your head? I know how many are there. See your crooked teeth? I gave them to you, so you would be different. see your moles? My kisses for you. Look at your belly - do you see it? It was a home for three children I gave to you. Be proud. See those stretch marks? Battle scars for a war that was won. Be proud. Don't hide in shame. You are you. I don't see skinny or fat. I see life. And love. and pain. and mercy and grace. I see someone I died for. And someone I live for.
Don't let the devil get a hold of you. You are mine. Your thoughts-mine. Your dreams - mine. Your life- Mine. Stay with me and I will give you rest. rest from all the burdens of your past and in your mind. Rest and peace and love.

Who can argue with that?