OMG - I've turned veggie!

Growing up, my mom didn't let me eat sweets much. She had a love/hate relationship with Oreo's and her body that I later adopted. Not the oreo's, the body and sweets in general. I remember saving my allowance so I could go to the corner am/pm after school to get my sugar fix. Frozen yogurt with mini m&m's. I used to put the m&m's on the bottom so I would eat them last. Walking home, I'd scarf down the pink hill of freedom and for me, the m&m's were the ultimate finale in my rebellious Independence. Throwing the cup away in a lobby trash can so I wouldn't get busted was so symbolic of how twisted our food notions were.
My relationship with sugar went through a lot of ups and downs as I've gotten older. I've learned not to hide my food, secrets make everything seem shameful. Well, because we make it that way. I learned how to MODERATE. That seems to be the hip word all the gym freaks want to shove down my throat. MODERATION. In theory this is awesome. In practice, way more difficult. Don't believe me? check out all the overweight people the next time you are at the mall. I'm sure they've heard the word before too. Overweight does not = stupid. Only skinny people think that. People are overweight for a reason. I was overweight for a reason. Could be laziness, could be. But I'm thinking it went more along the lines of hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness, a lot of "ness". But not stupidity. It's so easy to judge and make assumptions. Let's remember the word "ass" is in assumptions. Don't be one.
I jumped on the sugar-free bandwagon with abandon. Diet soda? check! Fat free cookies? check! sugarless gum? check, check!! Even though I was on this wagon, the shit wasn't working. Well, I was in the wagon, looking out a different window, getting a new view of a countryside that was not moving. I remained the same but in my mind, I was doing it right so I forged ahead knowing it couldn't be the concept that was wrong but that it must be me. Again, somehow, I had screwed up and if I just kept going, maybe I'd finally get it right. My belly mocked me and I was crushed.

I was stunned to learn that all the fake sugars (sugar substitutes for those that think I'm getting ghetto) were contributing to my bigness. Well, I'll be! It kind of pissed me off to be honest. The anger felt good. Skinny Bitch calls sugar the devil. Well that's cool with me. I'm always one for wanting to give the devil a swift kick in the ass. So, sugar is out.
Well, it was for 5 days. On the 6Th day I made a justification. "Justification" is not a bad word, however; when I find myself doing it, it's normally because I'm trying to make myself feel better about doing something bad. My justification? My best friend's birthday. You know what that means. Birthday cake. But not just any birthday cake. Flour Power cake. Scrumptious, yummy smelling cake from the best freakin bakery around. To top it off, I bought the cake so I was lucky enough to smell it all the way home before I put it in my fridge. This is when it started - the justification. If i just have one, tiny, sliver of a piece, how bad could that be? HA! The sugar devil was laughing his granulated ass off. It really was a small piece. I don't even know if it could be counted as a piece. I guess it doesn't matter because I only had three bites of it. Three. Small. Bites. It was the center that did it. All that butter cream frosting..... One bite of that and the sugar devil thought he had me. Thought I'd throw my fork down and inhale it from the plate the way the piggies do (think Christmas Story). But this did not happen. It might have except for the GIANT KNIFE SLICE through my skull. Thankfully I paused long enough to drink some water and answer a question before i took another bite. Thankfully I felt the pain. Now, I don't know if this is common but keep in mind I dropped sugar from diet completely. No soda, no coffee, unsweetened tea, and veggies. I've been granola for FIVE whole days now and there I go dropping a sugar bomb on my serene bloodstream.
I have found that pain, physical or mental, is God's surefire way to get some one's attention. Maybe this wasn't God. Maybe it was just my body. Either way, my attention gets gotten when there is pain. I had a screaming headache and it had SUGAR radiating from a neon sign. Below it were the words"dumb ass", just in case I wasn't sure getting the headache was my fault. Ow.

I am learning , learning, and that lesson need not be taught again. Sugar is out. Healthy is in. Hey, I didn't even beat myself up too badly. Veggies - they do the body and the mind some good. Perhaps they have a bit if self love mixed in with all their vitamins and crunchiness. I'll take it....with a side of hummus.