The hurricanes have whipped through my life and brought clarity several times over the past months. Even though this is a beautiful thing (um, I said that already didn't I?) it means that I was fighting back against something or someone else. And that can only mean one thing - pride or ego, mine namely, had taken hold of my being and wouldn't let go. Not only would it not let go but I fed it, tended to my pride with a fierce self righteous love, knowing that I would be redeemed in the end. Oh my!IDIOT! Perhaps my storm started with rightness on my side but once the attitude, the self, the pride, steps in - all bets are off. It's no longer about making things right but only of being right. A slippery slope that I gleefully went for a ride on without even realizing what was happening. That's how those slopes are sometimes. Your walkin along, taking small steps on a descending path, skidding a little here and there to regain balance, and then whoosh! A free fall. So swift and consuming, I blinked and didn't realize I was about to fall right on my ass.
My first experience is simple, so simple that perhaps it won't have any significance for anyone but me. It's two incidents, with two different people, but came together for me as one.
It was lunch at work. As i was getting my food ready, a co-worker who knows i have gone veggie, asks me, "What's for lunch today?" Easy question, No problem. "Black bean and tofu enchilada with a salad." My co-worker - " Oh, gross." And then she plopped herself at a table and threw her face into a book. It pissed me off. Yep, probably more than it should have but I thought it was rude and really, unnecessary. I don't walk into your kitchen and sniff and say, "wow - it smells like shit in here." and walk out. Nope I don't. I looked at her lunch. Two pathetic, dried up pieces of wheat bread with an equally pathetic piece of Carl Buddig lunch meat smashed in between. Oh yeah, that looked freakin' luscious. I wanted to say that to her so bad and in hindsight, I am so happy I listened to God and kept my fat mouth shut. But before this hindsight came, (because you know - hindsight always comes when we realize how stupid we have acted), I was irritated for a few days.
About a week later, another co-worker of mine walked by, just like he has every day for the past five years, and I was suddenly hit with remorse. You see, his wife is a vegetarian and when he married her, he didn't turn veggie, but he did begin to buy and only eat, grass fed beef. At the time, I found this hilarious and crazy. It was beef that cost two to three times the amount of regular beef. What a dummy. Ironic isn't it? Now I won't even eat beef and only buy organic milk and eggs for my family. Who's the dummy now? Anyway, each time he passed by me, my remorse grew. Around 3:30 in the afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped him. I looked at him and told him how sorry I was for making fun of him in the past for eating grass fed beef. I told him that it was judgemental on my part, that I truly felt horrible about it, and I commended him for taking it all in stride. I basically told him I thought he rocked. Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or whatever. I'm saying it because I tell my kids all the time - don't judge someone for what you see, you don't know what their life is like or why they make the choices they do. Yet, I did the exact opposite of what I preach to them and I had to make it right. I had to. Thankfully, he took it all in and accepted my apology. He rocks. So, it made me think of my lunch buddy, who slammed my food and how pissed I was with her. Should I not show her the same grace I had just been shown? yes. I most definitely should.
I haven't walked in her shoes either.
Onto my next storm.
I haven't walked in this guy's shoes either but I did walk right beside them for almost ten years. I've got a first hand knowledge of what his life is like. I don't know if this helps or hurts but I was grateful for the eye that embraced me today. Calmness. What a gift.
He is my the father of my kids, my ex-husband, my first love and long time hate, but now by the grace of God only, almost a friend. Our food habits are quite extreme in difference. I am now a veggie. He hates them. I now avoid any sugar I can. He consumes it as if it is the long, lost, prodigal nutrient that has suddenly found its way home. I now try to cook most meals fresh. His generally come from a box. I could go on and on but you get the drift. COMPLETE. OPPOSITES. My new found veggieism has been a point of contention on several occasions. If you look at any of my previous blogs, I am sure you can pick these out. In a nutshell, he thinks I have turned into some sort of veggie lovin- tree huggin- yoga breathin- let's have world peace - freak. Is he crazy? I don't think the world will ever have peace. Duh.
He thinks I have lost it - gone to the green side and skip among rows of lettuce, oblivious to any practical senses. Ahem. I disagree of course but this has also pissed me off more than once. Again losing sight and only caring about being right rather than making things right. Dangerous thinking. Again - a sure way to fall flat on my ass.
The jokes come at my expense, I grin and bear it with clenched teeth (we have kids you know. I can't just drop kick him with my tongue any time I feel like it). He loudly makes his position known and I quietly restate mine. Ok, so I'm not much of a quiet person but I don't normally feel the need to exclaim at any given moment - "we are vegetable eaters here" while I turn my finger in a circle to remind him of where "here" is. Obviously we have entered unknown territory. He constantly reiterating they will continue on the unhealthy path of sugar and carnage, and me with a persistent determination to save my kids from it.
I bought my son bagels today. Two weeks worth. I made a deal with him that he would eat this for breakfast with peanut butter and a piece of fruit every day for two weeks. You see, he is having trouble at school. Trouble focusing and remembering and he is constantly grounded to the kitchen table. I'm afraid he's going to be mistaken for a chair pretty soon. He is almost ten. Way too soon to start dealing with this crap. I asked him what he eats for breakfast. His face lit up. "Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal." huh. I asked him how that works out. "I'm starving before recess comes." double huh. Maybe three months ago I wouldn't have thought the two were related but since I know the difference in how I feel - the relation cannot be ignored. How can he possibly focus when he is loaded up on sugar? How can he remember anything when he is "starving?" I know that when I am hungry all i can think about is what I'm going to eat and when. Nothing else crosses my mind. NOTHING. I can imagine for an almost ten year old it would be the same. Now, I don't think bagels are the best option but it was a compromise. He made gagging noises when I suggested oatmeal. If I want him to make better choices I better give him options he will like. So, bagels with peanut butter it is.Shockingly enough, i was slightly nervous to hand over the bag of bagels to his dad when he came to pick him up. This would cause a ruckus I was sure. Thank God I don't know everything.
He came. I explained about the bagels. I even stuttered a little. My nervousness Was apparent. I didn't want to offend and made that known. He looked at me, glanced down at the bag of bagels, looked back up at my face and mumbled, "Ok. That's fine and I'm not offended." Huh. This is a first.I could say I'm finally making him see the light and take all kinds of credit, letting my veggie pride hurl me along in a self righteous frenzy that would leave me thinking - Ha! I am RIGHT.
But I can't do that.
Because that would be wrong.
I don't think, he thinks, I am right at all. I do however, think he appreciated my attitude. I was humble. I was gentle (that's a miracle in itself) and I was considerate. This is what got him. You can't fake humbleness. A two year old can see through that. You can't fake gentleness. Well, I can't. And consideration, well, shouldn't we all try that more often?
The hurricane has passed. Half of it anyway. I am in the eye. Seeing clearly and appreciating the beauty of calmness around me. When the next half comes through, I can only pray that God will remind me to hunker down my pride and keep the attitude nailed to the plywood. Because if that plywood comes off - the windows may break. And I can only blame the person who lives in the unprotected house. Me.
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