OMG - I've turned veggie!

It has been said that "With great power comes great responsibility". As humans, we have the greatest power over all living things. We have intelligence. We have strength. We have the ability to speak and listen. We can build things for the greater good or for the greed for ourselves. It is our choice. We have free will. We all make choices every day to stand for something or to stand for nothing. It is our choice. In having this free will, we also have the undeniable power to abuse the very things that have been entrusted to us. We can choose to have compassion or we can choose to harden our heart and care only for our own wants and desires. When we look at our lives, when I look at my own life, what will I see? Have I stood for those that cannot stand for themselves? Have I spoken and defended the ones that cannot speak and therefore are defenseless? Have I turned my back in the name of convenience and the love of money on living beings that feel just as I do? Where have my choices led me?

With great power comes great responsibility.

"Then God said, Let us make human beings in our image and likeness. And let them rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the tame animals, over all the earth, and over all the small crawling animals on the earth." So God created human beings in his image. In the image of God he created them. He created them male and female. God blessed them and said, "Have many children and grow in number. Fill the earth and be its master. Rule over the fish in the sea and over the birds in the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
And rule over them we have. But is it as God intended? When God said to rule over them did He, the epitome of LOVE and all it defines, mean to torture and to kill these very animals that he also created, in the worst ways we can think of?

We look at people that abuse dogs, those that kick or beat them, as inhumane. We are indignant and self-righteous. We want to protect them and send those that treated them badly to jail.
But dogs are our pets. So I would assume that because we choose not to eat them, that makes them more important than any other animal?
What would we say to someone that would want to hang a dog by his hind legs and shock him with an electric poker? What would we do if we saw someone kick a sick dog that was already on the ground and drag him around while laughing? I'm sure none of us would just stand there. We'd probably think it is completely appropriate to give that jackass a taste of his own medicine and beat him with a stick.
Would it be ok to put a dog in a room full of other dogs and stuff it so full of them that they can't even move to go to the bathroom? Is it ok for them go the bathroom where they are standing and let them wallow in it? Should it be allowed that if a dog is sick, that we euthanize that dog and then grind him up and feed him to the rest? GROSS. Ok - just kidding! Let's mix the ground up dog then with hard dog food to make it right and no one will know the difference. That makes perfect sense.

All these suggestions are ridiculous of course. We would never do that to a dog. Dogs are man's best friend. Huh.I bet they thank their lucky stars for that. Otherwise, they'd wind up on someones plate with a bottle of A1 and a side of french fries.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

What have we done with our power? Have we been responsible? Have I?

Not always. Not by any stretch of the imagination will I stand on my preacher box and claim I've never done these things. I am guilty. I admit it. I'll shout it out. Guilty! The great thing, the blessed mercy, is that I don't have to remain that way.

Food has been on my mind a lot lately. What I eat, why I eat, where what I eat comes from, what i feed my family, what limits I set for myself and for them.
Being a veggie is not convenient. It is not for the undisciplined. It is not inexpensive and it is not for anyone that cares one bit what anyone else thinks of them. I am amused by the comments that I receive, "wow- you're still doing the whole "veggie thing" huh?" or even better, "there's only a little bit of meat in it - you can pick it out can't you?" Um, NO. If you mixed a Bloody Mary, would you hand it to the alcoholic and ask that he filter the vodka? Duh.That would be a stupid.

The more that I learn, the greater need i feel to speak out. How can I keep quiet, and really, why should I?

Now, I know that not every animal is treated badly. There are some good ranchers out there and you know what? Props to you rancher man for having a moral standard. I'd like to believe these ranchers are the majority. I'd also like to believe if I wear a baggy sweatshirt no one will notice my muffin top. Wouldn't we all love it if that were true? The sweatshirt industry would be right up there with 5 inch heels and push up bras in sexy status. Victoria's Secret will have some stiff competition - Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. Bow-chicka-wa-wa....

What I have I done to be more responsible? I have chosen to not eat meat. Do i think that is the choice everyone should make? Not necessarily. I have a friend that informed me a few days ago that she is buying half a cow. I was kind of shocked at first.
Where was she going to put it?!
And how can you only buy half a cow???
But my friend is a very morally responsible girl and she loves all creatures. (Except roaches. But who can fault her for that? Every time i crush one I think to myself, why God? Seriously - when I get to heaven, I'm asking Jesus what the purpose for that little sucker was). Anyway - half a cow. I was fascinated to learn that you can literally buy meat on the Internet from a rancher that feeds their animals only grass, no additives, on a ranch where it roams free, and it is killed, but done so humanely. (and yes, I do think this is possible. I couldn't do it but props to the moral rancher man that can). Hmmm. Not my personal choice but the point is that there are many ways to be morally responsible and she has chosen one that suits her and her family. Cool.
Although I haven't seen the website myself, I'm sure she has done her homework. She is quite tenacious and informed about these sorts of things. And if for some reason this website is bogus, the poor bastard that put it up better run for his life before she catches him.

We have been given a responsibility and great power. There are many ways to use this power for the good. Convenience and laziness are not the answer. Think about it. What can you do? You may be surprised at all the different options.

No matter how great i feel in my veggie body, my first reaction - still - when something, anything, goes wrong is, gotta stop eating.

The shirt looks a little tight..... gotta stop eating.
My damn hair is frizzy....gotta stop eating.
I don't have anything to wear...gotta stop eating.
My ex-girlfriend dropped me a line....gotta stop eating.Oh, and please don't look at me naked.
I'm so tired, no nooky tonight...gotta stop eating.
oh yes, i want you so bad right now... gotta stop eating.

Yes, these whispers don't stop even when something good is said. It doesn't matter because you see, it would be better if i was thinner. Always, for some length of time, whether it is seconds or minutes, hours, or days and months, my problems are credited to me being fat.
He would have loved you more/ longer/ better, if you were skinny.
You would be The ONE, if you weren't fat.
You'd be a better daughter, if you exercised more.

I grew up always thinking if I was thinner, my life would be better. The sun would shine a little brighter, the air would be a little crisper, my step a little lighter, and my smile would stop old ladies and hot guys in their tracks. If only I was thinner. I wouldn't fear the dark anymore, I could charm sharks if I chose, and everyone that is supposed to love me - would. If only I was thinner.
This is foolish. In my adult mind, i know this makes zero sense but it is there nonetheless. It cracks me up when I hear people encourage others to find their "inner child" and listen to her. I prefer to tell her to shut up.Go away. Nothing good is coming from her mouth. She whispers to me always... gotta stop eating. As if I could. As if i should. Hello! I don't want to die. I don't want to starve myself. Jeez, i love food and I love to eat. But there's the conundrum, the constant war within myself. Gotta stop eating.

Sometimes she is silent and I am left alone and happy. I enjoy myself and a little soy ice cream. Every now and then, I feel pretty. But just when I think she's gone for good, something happens... a look, an answer that doesn't come fast enough, a compliment that never appears,or a pretty girl from the past that does. Then here she comes... Gotta stop eating. And she slaps me in the face with comparisons that I cannot win. Memories I cannot compete with. She's such a bitch. She hits below the belt, or in my case, anywhere beneath my boobs, and gets me where it hurts the most and I scream inside until it echoes in all of me... GOTTA. STOP. EATING! But of course I do. And then she laughs and calls me weak. I could call her a lot of names. Insecurity. Fear. Isolation. Mother. Shannon. I hate her and I love her. Because she is me.

I tell my kids always, be careful how you treat others and don't judge to fast about how they treat you because you don't know what their life is like. You don't know what made them this way.

So I wonder, what made me this way?

And then I wonder, How can I be different?

How can you run from demons that are inside you? I've tried. They just run next to me. No matter how loud i play my ipod I can still hear them. Run, run, run as fast as you can... you can't hide from me, I'm your fat man.

How can you stop hearing a voice that is in your head and sounds just like you? I can stand in the mirror and whisper, you are beautiful. My reflection stares back and calls me a liar.

It's been a rough week. I don't feel this every day but I do feel it a lot of days. I can pretend when I write that everything is fine, and I am fine, and life is fine, and yes, I'm just fine. But why? Life is not always fine, and I am not always fine. Pretending only makes it worse. And as girls, as women, doesn't it get old? all the pretending? all the fines?? Some days we just feel like crap.

I will admit that these days have happened less since I became a veggie. I don't feel guilty about what I eat anymore. So there's a small, but wonderful, miracle. I'll take those when I can get them. I mean seriously, I'd have to be truly demented if I berated myself for eating too much damn soy and an extra helping of salad. If I'm feeling really desperate, I'll tell myself to lay off the bread. But i do my best not to feel desperate.

I find that I start to pray a lot when these thoughts take over. Did you know that yelling out loud is considered praying if you are talking to Jesus? It is. I know, I have done it. I have yelled and cried and whispered, why? Why do i look like this? Why can't I feel better? Why does it keep coming back?
Thankfully, He answers. Normally after I stop yelling. He speaks to me.
You don't see you the way I see you. I see what I created, what I formed, way back when you were in your mother's womb. I knew what your life would be and I made you. I gave you strength, and laughter, and tears to get you through it all. I knew it wouldn't be easy and there would be pain and I knew I would be beside you the entire way. When you run, I am also running next to you. Look at me. Listen to me. And I will encourage you to keep going. I will tell you that you are strong. When you look in the mirror, look with my eyes. See the hairs on your head? I know how many are there. See your crooked teeth? I gave them to you, so you would be different. see your moles? My kisses for you. Look at your belly - do you see it? It was a home for three children I gave to you. Be proud. See those stretch marks? Battle scars for a war that was won. Be proud. Don't hide in shame. You are you. I don't see skinny or fat. I see life. And love. and pain. and mercy and grace. I see someone I died for. And someone I live for.
Don't let the devil get a hold of you. You are mine. Your thoughts-mine. Your dreams - mine. Your life- Mine. Stay with me and I will give you rest. rest from all the burdens of your past and in your mind. Rest and peace and love.

Who can argue with that?

Oh happy, veggie me! Life is good and I am healthy! Well, I could be healthier but I'm a work in progress. That's what I keep telling myself.
I have a few updates...... for you, for me. Gotta write them down so I can keep tarck of my adventure. (i'm trying "adventure" instead of "journey". still don't like that word!)

1. I am still seeing Smoke. Bastard. I actually had a nooner with him today. Doesn't happen very often. Left me feeling a little woozy. I usually wait to see him at night and tonight was no different. We hooked up four times. Jeez. It only lasted minutes and I was freezing. It may get old hearing me talk about Smoke but hey, something has to be said for the commitment.

2. I have lost a total of 15 pounds. Yay! I don't even know how this is possible because let me tell you, I have been eating horribly the past few weeks. I've been so busy, driving around all over the place, that I've been grabbing something on the road. Translate - at least 4 veggie burritos in two weeks. ugh! That, there burrito may have no meat but let me tell ya, my butt doesn't know the difference between fatty meat and carbs that cling on as if a sinking ship is sucking them down and my ass is a life boat. Oh yes, those bad boys hold on for dear life. Needless to say, I have been avoiding the dreaded scale. I hate that thing. Sometimes I want to smash it to bits and watch all the shiny pieces splatter across my bathroom floor. But oh, when it give me nice numbers, I want to get down on my knees and kiss it while whispering sweet nothings into its digital face. I know. Sick.
A few days ago I decided to bite the bullet and step on. I was sure it was not a good idea. For one, I had already showered, gotten dressed, had half a smoothie...let's face it, we girls do not get on a scale this way. Nope, we step on when we are still bleary eyed from sleep, have peed first thing, wearing only a tank top and boxers, and not one ounce of heavy water has touched our lips or our hair. But I was dying to know - just how destructive had those burritos been??? I stepped on.
It was 4 pounds higher than what it had been the week before.
I expected this. But it didn't ease the blow. I took a deep breath and got off. I continued putting my make up on. And i started talking to myself. "It's ok Shannon. No biggie. Don't beat yourself up. Been a busy week girl. Damn kids stressing you out. Too much driving all around. Just let it go. Next week will be better. YOU. ARE. NOT. FAT. (repeat) (repeat again) (and again)." NO matter how much I said this out loud, it wasn't helping. Screw it! Yup, that was said out loud too. I checked my watch. 10 minutes. I had 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. Still had to make my lunch, brush my teeth, get my shoes.. 10 minutes. SCREW IT!! Next thing I knew, i tore off all my clothes and threw them on the floor faster than you can inhale a cookie before the kids catch you. My butt jumped right back on that scale... I looked down..... numbers are flashing...... BAM! Three pounds lighter. YESSSSS!Sweet victory! I got off the scale, praising the Lord, and put my clothes back on. Three pounds of clothes. What the hell am I wearing?! I was happier, lighter, smaller, only one pound off. Oh happy, psychotic, veggie me!!!
Next day - lost that pound and here I am - 15 pounds total. Been a week and holding. Suhweet!!!!

3. Still working on being nice when insensitive comments come my way about my veggie-ism. I'm not gritting my teeth as much, letting it roll off my back. Seriously - why get so worked up? I'm veggie, not flippin' fragile. Buck up cucumber.

4. Still trying new recipes. I aim for one a week but that doesn't always happen. A few nights ago, I made some kick ass corn muffins. I did use an egg, so not vegan, but instead of milk I used a banana and added green chilis and jalapenos. YUMMY! Not only did they smell scrumptious but the taste did not disappoint either. A friend of mine passed the on to me - so worth it. Thanks C! Had them with a bowl of Minestrone soup. Very tasty.

Updates over.

Lately, on my mind has been - FRESH. I find myself craving anything fresh. So crispy and colorful and light and FRESH. Salads - yup. Good stuff. Just yesterday I bought some apples (organic -they can look a little worn but still good and NO chemicals. yippe!), dried cranberries, walnuts, and blue cheese. Can't wait to make a salad with that! Cheese...hmm. That is a dairy I can't totally cut off. I broke up with cheddar, even the sharp stuff, no mozzarella, or monterey jack. definitely no american. I'm not going to feel any guilt by eating that plastic, waxy crap. But feta and blue - oh how i love you. Just a little sprinkle and I get all excited.
A most favorite breakfast? Eggs (organic. expensive but worth it. yes they are brown and this was tough for me at first. I know, it's natural but for 33 years I preferred my eggs bleached white. Just seemed more sanitary that way. But no more! Brown, organic eggs 100% Buy them at Costco and it's a sweet deal), cut up spinach, a smidgen of feta cheese, all rolled in a wheat tortilla. One of these days I'm going to throw some sun-dried tomatoes in there and wow - Starbucks is a thing of the past.

Another fave breakfast is oatmeal with dried fruit and almonds. Now this I normally get at Starbucks. (ok - who am I kidding. Starbucks will never be a thing of the past. duh) I did try to make this on my own. I was so proud of myself. I had cranberries, raisins, golden raisins, apples, and my own almonds. I took all my ingredients to work and put the oats in the microwave. Check me out - healthy and frugal. I'm a freakin genius. Well, I thought I was until I went to get my oatmeal and discovered it had exploded all over the microwave. I think it was a combination of too many oats and too small a bowl. After I cleaned my giant mess, I had half a bowl of oatmeal that looked like sticky rice. Not the most visually appetizing meal I have to admit. I ate it. But i think it was my pride that spurred me on. I am embarrassed to say, I have not tried this again. I have however, been to Starbucks.

Last but not least - I purchased an Iced tea Maker. It sounds kind of silly at first but let me tell you, this thing rocks. In minutes, I have three quarts of freshly brewed iced tea. No jar sitting on my porch for hours. No tea leaves floating around at the bottom like forgotten fish flakes (or is that poo?). Nope, this maker has a filter and a plug. Love. It.

All in all, everything is going well. I am dying to try a cupcake recipe. I have purchased most of the ingrediants. Now if i can just figure out how to buy a couple more hours in a day and I'd be set. But they are coming! I'm hoping to get my daughter that loves to bake in there with me. I figure if she helps bake it, she may be more willing to try it. Sneaky? nah. Smart? Fo sho!

Till next time..... much love!

Isn't it amazing how you can struggle against something or someone with everything in you, as if pushing against 160 mph gale force winds of a hurricane, and suddenly, out of nowhere - calmness? All the shoving and howling suddenly ceases and you found your self in the eye of the storm. the moment when clarity prevails, the world is crisp with newness, and the angry rain has washed away all the dirt and haze, all the gunk with a determination that can't possibly be human, and our eyes can SEE. It's a beautiful thing. So beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.

The hurricanes have whipped through my life and brought clarity several times over the past months. Even though this is a beautiful thing (um, I said that already didn't I?) it means that I was fighting back against something or someone else. And that can only mean one thing - pride or ego, mine namely, had taken hold of my being and wouldn't let go. Not only would it not let go but I fed it, tended to my pride with a fierce self righteous love, knowing that I would be redeemed in the end. Oh my!IDIOT! Perhaps my storm started with rightness on my side but once the attitude, the self, the pride, steps in - all bets are off. It's no longer about making things right but only of being right. A slippery slope that I gleefully went for a ride on without even realizing what was happening. That's how those slopes are sometimes. Your walkin along, taking small steps on a descending path, skidding a little here and there to regain balance, and then whoosh! A free fall. So swift and consuming, I blinked and didn't realize I was about to fall right on my ass.


My first experience is simple, so simple that perhaps it won't have any significance for anyone but me. It's two incidents, with two different people, but came together for me as one.
It was lunch at work. As i was getting my food ready, a co-worker who knows i have gone veggie, asks me, "What's for lunch today?" Easy question, No problem. "Black bean and tofu enchilada with a salad." My co-worker - " Oh, gross." And then she plopped herself at a table and threw her face into a book. It pissed me off. Yep, probably more than it should have but I thought it was rude and really, unnecessary. I don't walk into your kitchen and sniff and say, "wow - it smells like shit in here." and walk out. Nope I don't. I looked at her lunch. Two pathetic, dried up pieces of wheat bread with an equally pathetic piece of Carl Buddig lunch meat smashed in between. Oh yeah, that looked freakin' luscious. I wanted to say that to her so bad and in hindsight, I am so happy I listened to God and kept my fat mouth shut. But before this hindsight came, (because you know - hindsight always comes when we realize how stupid we have acted), I was irritated for a few days.
About a week later, another co-worker of mine walked by, just like he has every day for the past five years, and I was suddenly hit with remorse. You see, his wife is a vegetarian and when he married her, he didn't turn veggie, but he did begin to buy and only eat, grass fed beef. At the time, I found this hilarious and crazy. It was beef that cost two to three times the amount of regular beef. What a dummy. Ironic isn't it? Now I won't even eat beef and only buy organic milk and eggs for my family. Who's the dummy now? Anyway, each time he passed by me, my remorse grew. Around 3:30 in the afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped him. I looked at him and told him how sorry I was for making fun of him in the past for eating grass fed beef. I told him that it was judgemental on my part, that I truly felt horrible about it, and I commended him for taking it all in stride. I basically told him I thought he rocked. Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or whatever. I'm saying it because I tell my kids all the time - don't judge someone for what you see, you don't know what their life is like or why they make the choices they do. Yet, I did the exact opposite of what I preach to them and I had to make it right. I had to. Thankfully, he took it all in and accepted my apology. He rocks. So, it made me think of my lunch buddy, who slammed my food and how pissed I was with her. Should I not show her the same grace I had just been shown? yes. I most definitely should.
I haven't walked in her shoes either.

Onto my next storm.
I haven't walked in this guy's shoes either but I did walk right beside them for almost ten years. I've got a first hand knowledge of what his life is like. I don't know if this helps or hurts but I was grateful for the eye that embraced me today. Calmness. What a gift.
He is my the father of my kids, my ex-husband, my first love and long time hate, but now by the grace of God only, almost a friend. Our food habits are quite extreme in difference. I am now a veggie. He hates them. I now avoid any sugar I can. He consumes it as if it is the long, lost, prodigal nutrient that has suddenly found its way home. I now try to cook most meals fresh. His generally come from a box. I could go on and on but you get the drift. COMPLETE. OPPOSITES. My new found veggieism has been a point of contention on several occasions. If you look at any of my previous blogs, I am sure you can pick these out. In a nutshell, he thinks I have turned into some sort of veggie lovin- tree huggin- yoga breathin- let's have world peace - freak. Is he crazy? I don't think the world will ever have peace. Duh.
He thinks I have lost it - gone to the green side and skip among rows of lettuce, oblivious to any practical senses. Ahem. I disagree of course but this has also pissed me off more than once. Again losing sight and only caring about being right rather than making things right. Dangerous thinking. Again - a sure way to fall flat on my ass.
The jokes come at my expense, I grin and bear it with clenched teeth (we have kids you know. I can't just drop kick him with my tongue any time I feel like it). He loudly makes his position known and I quietly restate mine. Ok, so I'm not much of a quiet person but I don't normally feel the need to exclaim at any given moment - "we are vegetable eaters here" while I turn my finger in a circle to remind him of where "here" is. Obviously we have entered unknown territory. He constantly reiterating they will continue on the unhealthy path of sugar and carnage, and me with a persistent determination to save my kids from it.
I bought my son bagels today. Two weeks worth. I made a deal with him that he would eat this for breakfast with peanut butter and a piece of fruit every day for two weeks. You see, he is having trouble at school. Trouble focusing and remembering and he is constantly grounded to the kitchen table. I'm afraid he's going to be mistaken for a chair pretty soon. He is almost ten. Way too soon to start dealing with this crap. I asked him what he eats for breakfast. His face lit up. "Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal." huh. I asked him how that works out. "I'm starving before recess comes." double huh. Maybe three months ago I wouldn't have thought the two were related but since I know the difference in how I feel - the relation cannot be ignored. How can he possibly focus when he is loaded up on sugar? How can he remember anything when he is "starving?" I know that when I am hungry all i can think about is what I'm going to eat and when. Nothing else crosses my mind. NOTHING. I can imagine for an almost ten year old it would be the same. Now, I don't think bagels are the best option but it was a compromise. He made gagging noises when I suggested oatmeal. If I want him to make better choices I better give him options he will like. So, bagels with peanut butter it is.Shockingly enough, i was slightly nervous to hand over the bag of bagels to his dad when he came to pick him up. This would cause a ruckus I was sure. Thank God I don't know everything.
He came. I explained about the bagels. I even stuttered a little. My nervousness Was apparent. I didn't want to offend and made that known. He looked at me, glanced down at the bag of bagels, looked back up at my face and mumbled, "Ok. That's fine and I'm not offended." Huh. This is a first.I could say I'm finally making him see the light and take all kinds of credit, letting my veggie pride hurl me along in a self righteous frenzy that would leave me thinking - Ha! I am RIGHT.

But I can't do that.

Because that would be wrong.

I don't think, he thinks, I am right at all. I do however, think he appreciated my attitude. I was humble. I was gentle (that's a miracle in itself) and I was considerate. This is what got him. You can't fake humbleness. A two year old can see through that. You can't fake gentleness. Well, I can't. And consideration, well, shouldn't we all try that more often?

The hurricane has passed. Half of it anyway. I am in the eye. Seeing clearly and appreciating the beauty of calmness around me. When the next half comes through, I can only pray that God will remind me to hunker down my pride and keep the attitude nailed to the plywood. Because if that plywood comes off - the windows may break. And I can only blame the person who lives in the unprotected house. Me.

It's veggie time! Once again, I find that it has been way too long since I have written. Oh my keyboard - how I have missed you! There is something so freeing about the written word, which is a little weird when you think about it, because somehow you are bound forever. It's not like i can deny what has been said. Pull up a post and "gotcha!" there it is! But it is my journey and I write (so far) without any regrets.

Speaking of my journey (and really I need a better word. "Journey" is kind of a turn off for me. If you have a recommendation, I'd love to hear it), it has been going well. Shopping, cooking, eating out, eating in general, have all gotten easier. I'm starting to get this veggie thing down. So much to learn still but I am comfortable so far with where I'm at. I haven't lost any more weight, just my ten, but my body feels so much better. Like literally, I can rub my hands all over me and that buddha belly does not have so much buddha in it anymore. yes! I had to go out and buy three new pairs of jeans because my other jeans weren't fitting so well. My hubby really likes my butt. It's not great when my jeans sag off so much it looks like I pooed myself. SEXY! So, I bought the new jeans and guess what? Lost 2 inches in my waist. bye-bye buddha! hellooooo - hubby grabbing my ass! love it!

I recently ate for the first time at a veggie/ vegan restaurant. It was awesome!! I loved not having to wonder what was in the food, instead making my choice solely on what appealed to me. As my good fortune would have it, everyone shared so I got to taste a little of everything. Some of it was ok (sushi), some of it was awesome (orange chicken - mama like!) and some was a big, fat tofu PASS!!! But now I know and it makes me happy. :) I will eat here again. Thanks K.

The only struggle I seem to have nowadays are other people's attitudes. i know, shocking right? It of course, can never be my attitude that's bad. But seriously, it's not me! It is amazing to me how the word "vegetarian" brings such a strong response from a non-vegetariian. And don't even say the word "vegan." They either think you called them a name or you're speaking alien. Actually, go ahead and say it. Then laugh at the confusion. Uh, whatis that?? (ok, not nice)
Seriously though, I promise, I have never tried to shove a carrot, zucchini, tomato, squash, cucumber, soybean, potato or tofu, down any one's throat. However, the personal offense some seem to take to my eating habits can stun me speechless. (another shocker) Just for beans and tortillas, let me write a few of my favorites. (oh, and any names will be changed to protect the Well-Meaning Ignorant and Judgemental A-hole alike). Yes, I am a respectable veggie. ;)

1. Mr. Smith - "What? What do you mean you are vegetarian now? Shannon, Shannon, look at my teeth. See these right here? (yes, his mouth is open, upper lip pulled back, and pointing at the two front "fang" teeth) What do you think these are for? EATING MEAT, that's what they are for!" This comment/ question actually came from a well-meaning, I don't want to say ignorant because I like and respect Mr. Smith, so we'll call him a Caring Opinion Spouter. Ahhh yes, grasshopper. Thank you for showing me the TWO teeth that are shaped like fangs. I did not point out though that the remaining 30 teeth are flat and designed for chewing veggies. I let this one pass. We'll call it a Get out of Henry's free card.

2. Me - "Maybe it would be a good idea to incorporate more salads into their meals. Bags of lettuce are cheap and it's easy." Mr. Buttface - "Um, excuse me but we are all MEAT EATERS here." (and yes, there was a scowl along with a finger doing a BIG circle in case i didn't know what "here" meant). This is obviously from a judgemental A-hole. Well, um, excuse me for trying to encourage a little nutrition. Last I checked, even medical meat eaters would agree veggies are a good idea on a regular basis. duh. It's called the food pyramid dummy.

3. Ms. Skinny Pants - "So I here you are vegetarian now." Me - "Yes, I am." Ms. Skinny Pants - " Well I hope you are going to be a good vegetarian, not one of those that goes to McDonalds and orders 4 bags of french fries."
Uh, I actually agree with Ms. Skinny Pants here. Potatoes soaked in oil and coming from McFatness does not equate healthy to me. I mean, if we're going to stop eating meat, why destroy our arteries with that crap and why buy it from a place that puts so much, excuse me ladies, SHIT in their food??? Come on veggies - be healthy! Maybe now I'm being a judgemental A-hole but really, that doesn't make any sense. Save a potato dude. Save a potato.

4. "Yeah, I'm a veggie now so no more meat. I'm not eating much dairy anymore either. Well, except for eggs. I am still eating eggs." Hi dumb ass. Just a little fyi - eggs are not dairy. What came first, the chicken or the EGG?? (so this was actually me that said this. See? I can hate on myself too. ;) Luckily i have a no bullshit friend who kindly pointed this fact out to me. Of course, I had probably already said it to at least 5 other people. Those 5 people - "see what happens when you stop eating meat? You turn stoopid."

5. This one is my favorite and really, I have to rant a little. This is the luxury of being the writer - I can rant whatever, whenever, I want. But since I'm not mentioning any names, this buttface is still protected. I'm ranting politely. Nice.Veggie.
Me - "I don't really feel comfortable with so, and so, and so, getting this shot. It hasn't been tested enough and I'd rather wait. You know, to see if there are any side effects we don't know about yet, because it's only been about, oh, five months. Maybe the gourd the size of a large eggplant doesn't start growing out of their necks until 10 months. You know, let's wait."
Mr. Buttface - Silence.............Silence..........BIG SIGH "HUH"......Silence............ "You know, just because you're..."
Me - "Don't even say it Mr. Buttface. This has nothing to do with my eating habits."

Mr. Buttface - " Yes. It does."
Me - "Um, no it doesn't."
Mr. Buttface - "Yes it does, now that you are vegetarian ....."
Silence. Word hangs in the air. Spoken with contempt and disgust and yes, judgement. Because now that I am vegetarian everyone, this MUST mean I have lost all common sense. Well golly, I didn't even realize common sense and sound judgement came from meat??? Is that in the chicken or the beef? Can I order a shot of it with my burger or steak? Kind of like a shot of wheat grass being put into a smoothie at Jamba Juice. Maybe the next time you eat with a friend of yours and she decides to order chicken wings, tell her to get a side of motherly love and parentall skills with it. After all, we don't want a parental deficiency on our hands. No siree. All us veggies, we are low on protein AND common sense. Now, why in the hell didn't I read that memo??? oh, probably because I am reading "Natural" magazine instead of Playboy.

I feel better. you?

I must say, being veggie is teaching me a lot about others and myself. I sound angry I know, and hey, sometimes I am. It's allowed. For me, a veggie, and the meat eater. See? We are more alike than you think.
Being veggie is showing me that people are afraid of what they do not know. You may think you already know this and to be honest, I knew this as well. It was just applied to different areas of my life. I guess you could say I became comfortable with the fear in those other areas so they aren't as shocking to me when I am confronted by them. I am prepared for those fears. This is new.
And for some reason, very personal.
Not to me, but to those that are around me. News flash. I'm not asking you to change. I'm not suggesting you do anything different in your life. We all make our own choices. I'm simply asking for a little respect, as a human being. Not a veggie freak show. Just a little joe-blow, every-day, we're all here living in this world together, respect. You don't have to agree. Nope. Not at all. Just try not to be insulting.
And so will I.

Much love to you Well-Meaning Ignorants, Caring Opinion Spouters, Judgemental A-holes, Veggies and Vegans, and yes, even you Mr. Buttface. We don't have to agree but we can all learn from each other. Perhaps we can discuss it, over a burger and a salad. Rock on.

Repentance. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Repentance. How many of us really knows what it means? I checked the dictionary. There, it states feeling sorrow for what one has done. Hmm. That's a start but the word "repentance" suggests so much more than sorrow doesn't it? It just sounds....meatier. I mean, how many of us have said I'm sorry or better yet, received an "I'm sorry" and thought "well, that kind of sucked ass." You sure don't look sorry. I dug a little deeper and found the biblical definition of repentance. Before the word "biblical" scares you off, bear with me here. In a nut shell, it does mean to feel sorrow for one's actions but it goes further then feeling sorrow. It puts some action to it. It is to feel sorrow and have a change in one's mind or will and to move in a different direction. Now that sounds like a verb! How many times have we been told "I'm sorry" and then the dummy goes right back out and does the same thing??? We all have. We have experienced it and we have done it. We're human. Which is probably why the dictionary we made gives a washed out definition of a demanding word. God expects more.

I have a purpose for bringing this up.

I see a head doctor. Three actually. One for me, one for me and my hubby, and my Jesus. before you judge and say Jesus should be enough, ask yourself how many times you wished you could hear the words spoken out loud? I am a firm believer that Jesus speaks to us through others if we would listen. And before you judge and say "why Jesus?", ask yourself how many times you have spoken to another person and it just wasn't enough. The empty spot was still there. Um, God made that hole so only he could fill it. We can put as many things in that hole we want, good or bad. We can shovel it in so fast our arms become a blur but all that happens is we become exhausted. And the hole is still there. I cover all my bases.

I see a head doctor. I hadn't seen her in a few months so she was not yet aware of my veggie conversion. As my hubby & I sat there and went over issues that seem to be on "repeat", our head doctor looked at me and asked me what is different. I was slightly taken aback. What is different about what? What is different about you? You are not the same. You are not angry. What happened? I began to tell her about my veggie epiphany, all the exercise I've been doing, the coffee & soda I had given up,all these chemicals I was putting into myself as if I was my own personal lab rat, these things I was just done with. Done. I had been one way for so long, so many years that i never even questioned what i was eating or putting into me or what was involved for me to eat that big, juicy,hamburger. I didn't think about the animals and how they are treated. It has been suggested that when we eat meat from animals that have been tortured or abused and whom die in fear while screaming - we consume that fear. Let that sink in for a minute. Now, I believe that when we die, we die. I don't think that animals fear lives in me, however; I am very much a part of why that animal dies that way. I share in that responsibility and before, I never questioned. I just did it.
And then one day I stopped. Done. In my head, in my body, I repented.
You may think these items cannot possibly be related but I disagree. She noticed. Our issues are the same. A big difference is me. (Not to take away from my hubby - he has made changes as well. But how I process and the feelings inside me have been a struggle. That is the difference in me that she noticed. love you jw)

Now, just a little side note here. I am not judging anyone that eats meat as being wrong. I have a husband and kids that eat meat and dairy without an issue. Well that's ok then. Of course for health reasons, it would make my heart soar to see them turn veggie but that will be their decision. I certainly do not see myself as better than them. But for me, for me, if after reading what I had, if I continued to eat meat it would have been WRONG. So I changed. I repented. Repentance is a very personal thing, It cannot be forced or cajoled or bribed or discussed or argued or learned. It has to come from within. Someone who feels sorrow in their soul for what they have done. Only then, only then, can an honest change take place.

Once repentance happens, once the sorrow is felt and tears are streaming down your face, the hiccups are happening because you can't catch your breath, and you're on your knees because the sorrow you felt didn't allow you to stand up. Once these have passed, brush the dirt off your knees, wipe your eyes, blow your nose, look up and smile. Then turn in the opposite direction you were once going, and MOVE FORWARD. It's not hard. You move one foot and then the next. You ask questions, get help, learn, study, talk about it, and KEEP MOVING. It is quite possible along the way that you will have haters, blow them a kiss and keep walking. It is to be expected that people will question what you have done, simply answer them. Every now and then someone will throw up in your face everything you are trying to do different and remind you of what you were. If they do it because they care, patiently explain. If they do it because they don't, because they want to bring you back down with them, RUN away from them. There is no need for that. Needless arguing and explanation helps no one.
And sometimes, every now and then, you will meet someone on your journey that wants to walk with you. (i have tears now) By all means, take their hand and walk together.
Repentance is for everyone.

dude. I feel FAT today. This is a first since I have started my veggie life. But today, today I feel like I can explode out of my own skin like an italian sausage. Ok - gross visual but you get me - FAT.
I'm still feeling slightly perplexed that this is not harder. I mean, I went cold cucumber and just stopped eating meat, drinking soda, drinking (oh for the love and smell of it) coffee, and consuming any sugar that i can detect. Everything now is unsweetened; unless I want raw sugar and good luck waiting for that to dissolve - better off not getting it and saving my thighs a few dimples. No rub a bub-bub when I walk. I have started consuming more raw veggies this past month than I have have in the past six months easy. Tofu and soy are my new homies, wanting to hang with me at every meal and I'm having to push them back. I keep telling myself Fresh! Fresh! I am cooking for myself and the family food that is not just edible but enjoyable.... So, why am I feeling slightly funky? I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, or the tomato to explode, or the potato skin to shed, and run screaming from the kitchen " Meat! Oh sweet Lord give me meat and cheese and please oh please a piece of chocolate for crap's sake!" But no. This has not happened.
In fact, at a BBQ just the other day I got a hamburger off the grill for my daughter (she is still pulling the "shy" thing. I have no idea why I fall for this because I know darn well that girl is not shy) and as I carried it over to her a drop of grease falls on my wrist and begins to slide down my arm. I looked at it and Oh Mr. Mcdonald that had a farm, there was blood on it. I stopped walking for a split second. I wanted to drop it, to get it AWAY from me, to throw it but you know, my arm sucks. I throw worse than any girl, so it wouldn't have gone very far. probably would have landed on my foot and how would that be. Oh look, she has a dead, bloody cow at her feet. ugh. At the very least, I wanted to hurl.
These emotions, strong as they were, caught me by surprise. After all, it's not like I'm a virgin, I've seen this meat before. But not like this. Just like that guy you wish you could erase from your mind, the one where you think, omg - i did that with him?!?! That hot guy with the silky, thick hair turns out to be greasy & smells like smoke and sour alcohol, with too much mousse in his hair so it flakes all over your pillow. You see him and fight off the gag reflex when he wants a good morning kiss and hoping your girlfriend didn't see and if so, that there wasn't any proof, no pictures for sure so you can deny, deny, deny..... well, that's how I felt.
A little traumatized by the hamburger.
It was written all over my face. My daughter laughed. I laughed too because I don't want to be so uptight others think i have a giant pickle up my butt but believe you me, I wiped my arm off as fast as I could.

But still, this has not been that hard. Ok, I will admit though the other night my daughter, (same one - maybe she has it in for me) was cutting chunks of cheese to go with her crackers. I walked by and as I passed the platter of snack perfection, I reached out to grab one. My hand stopped mid-air as I caught myself. My daughter looked at me and smiled a very knowing, conspiratal smile. It's ok mommy - just one. One piece of yummy sharp cheddar cheese won't hurt you. It's soooo delicious. Hah! Pusher. I kept walking.

I feel so free writing again! It's been too long. Busy, busy, busy. Being busy robs me of the things I love to do. Makes me crazy.

So, I'm still seeing Smoke. It's one of those bad relationships. We break up and then get back together. It's not even the sex because Smoke doesn't get me off much anymore, I'm thinking it's the comfort. I've heard it's dangerous when relationships get too comfortable. Next thing you know, it's only sweatpants, stringy hair and farting. The romance is gone and all that is left is the grim, smelly reality. I had a t-shirt on earlier today that smelled like Smoke. I wanted to gag. I stunk. Smoke stunk. The worst part? I'll probably see him later. I keep trying to give it Jesus. Really I do. I know that Jesus is completely capable of taking away my urge to ever see Smoke again. But I'm kind of like an Indian giver. I always take it back. I tell Jesus later, not right now, tomorrow, after this one, after this pack, after I'm done being pissed off at my ex or sad about the pigeon. Later. And then I wake up and I tell Jesus I'm sorry. Again. I tell him I really want to stop. This time. And then back I go. See how this grabs you - As a dog returns to his vomit so a fool returns to his folly. FAB.U.LOUS. I'm a fool eating my vomit. God doesn't mess around. Calls you right out and there it is. One day I'm going to stop eating that. I'm going Fresh! After all I was addicted to the food I ate for 33 years, Smoke has only been around for 20. You'd think it would be a piece of cake. or pie. or cold cup of chocolate soy milk. (freakin yum! that stuff is amazing.)

I'm about done today with all my rambling. I leave with one thought.
Why do we eat animal crackers? It seems a little strange to me. Well, for one, it's a cookie ok. Let's not give our food identity issues. It tastes like a cookie. Smells like a cookie. It's a cookie. And second, it's shaped like an animal?! Does this not strike anyone else as odd? I mean, we advocate not eating animals but we'll eat them as a cookie? Why aren't they shaped like radishes? or portobello mushrooms? That would be a big freakin' cracker that wants to be a cookie right there. At least the size of a lion. Maybe an elephant. Perhaps you've never wondered. Or maybe you think it's dumb. It's not meat stupid! But the next time you go to bite off the gorilla's head - maybe the irony will hit you.

I've never been much of a cook. Meal time consisted of whatever came out of a box and a boring frozen vegetable boiled beyond recognition to go with it. Every now and then I'd get a wild hair and pick up a cookbook only to labor over something that either didn't look like the picture or according to my kids, "tasted nasty". It's pretty sad when it tastes so repulsive that a timer would be set and a threat issued in my attempt to get my kids to eat it. (this didn't last long so please don't call CPS or lecture me on the bad feeding habits I am encouraging. I learned.) Now that I have turned veggie I have come to the realization that I must learn to cook or I'll survive only on salad and raw trail mix. Let the lessons begin!

Luckily my very first meal was relatively easy AND i had help. We made tacos, a family favorite. Lettuce - yup. Avocado - yup. Salsa and beans - yup, yup. Tofuti sour cream - Yum. I honestly don't see much of a difference. Bring it on. Fake meat? Not too bad either. Cooks & looks just like meat. Some come pre-seasoned so thinking and creativity is not necessary. See how nice these veggie companies are? Always trying to help another veggie out. However, I don't recommend saving and re-heating the next day. We're all friends right? Well, friends don't let other friends get raunchy gas without a warning. Consider yourself warned. ;) Peppers and onions were also cut up and sauteed & thrown in. Double yum. All in all taco night was a success. My son went back 4 times before I stopped him. I don't know if it's proven you can get fat on soy but I decided not to chance it with my kid.

It has been almost three weeks now and I have cooked a few veggie meals that tasted pretty good. Spaghetti with fake meat and salad; brown rice with steamed broccoli, cauliflower and carrots; tofurkey Italian sausage on a whole wheat roll; grilled veggie kabobs with tofu - I'd skip the tofu next time. That was a little chewy - like a mushroom that wouldn't die. Pass. But the veggies rocked. Smoothies have been a favorite breakfast but cereal with Rice Milk ain't too shabby either. Oh and Soy chocolate milk is delicious! In cooking all of these though i kind of felt like I was cheating. I'm not sure why really but it just seemed too easy. I mean, I'm changing my entire life style here - you'd think I'd sweat a little. So I decided to get down and dirty today. Nothing was going to stop me. Not my fear, not a stove that I rarely touch, not knives that aren't all that sharp, and not the hot, muggy weather. Nope, I was making soup today. Soup from scratch, no less. Oh yes. I am a bad ass.

Ever seen a bag of beans at the store and wondered, what the hell do you do with that? I have. I've even read the directions, and I'm not an imbecile - I can follow directions like any good kindergartner. But I would still wonder, what the hell do you do with that? I've had a bag of 12 bean soup in my cupboard for almost two years now. No bullshit. It's collecting dust like your grandmother's Precious Moments collection. I bought a bag of lentils at the store yesterday. My first thought? It was $.89. Dude. Who can beat that price?? My second thought? What the hell is a lentil?? I bought it anyway because I keep reading they are good for you and part of any good veggie's diet and I had a relatively simple recipe to try out. (oh and in case you are wondering what a lentil is - a petite legume seed high in protein, calcium and vitamins A & B - google it.) I chopped my onion, celery, and carrots and added them to hot olive oil. I added spices from my VERY OWN spice collection. No boxes here with a packet of unknown powder to unleash, no siree. I added water and crushed tomatoes and the lentils.I boiled. I simmered. The house started smelling good. And voila'! Dinner was ready. Dude. this was a big ass pot of soup for two people. I seriously prayed it wasn't going to make anyone retch and be wasted. Jeff tasted. I tasted. Surprise, surprise - it was goooood. Well, I have to admit, I am pretty freakin proud of myself. I made soup! I made yummy tasting soup! Now I know how cavemen must have felt back in the day when they made fire. If i was capable of an erection I think I would have sprouted one. I made soup from scratch and it was tasty. Oh happy, veggie me!

For all of you penny pincher's out there thish meal cost about $7.00. And there's enough for another day or two so knock that down to $3.50. I could get a meal for $3.50 when I was a meat eater. Oh yes. A fat hamburger with greasy french fries and an ice cold diet coke. But that's not all - oh no, there are extras thrown in there. A little build up in the arteries. A pinch of fat on the ass or belly. And once the sluggishness wears off, hey maybe it will come back to say hi when you go to the bathroom with the runs. MMMM mmmm! A greasy meal that doesn't let you forget. gotta love that. What's up McD's?? I'm lovin it! Super size that for me will ya? Maybe I'll feel it tomorrow too.
Ahem. No, thank you. For $3.50 I'll feel satisfied minus the runs and the fat, knowing that my body is thankful for what I just put in to it.

I have a feeling I'm going to like this cooking thing. oh and bonus - Jeff said I looked sexy while I was doing it. NICE. ;)

It's been quite a day. Mostly good mixed with a little frustrating and topped off with a bunch of self hate. Nice icing. what did I do to deserve such a scrumptious reward? I was just the example of motherhood perfection. Just ask my daughter. Not. She probably wants to smother me with a thick piece of meat. Suck on that mom. And choke.

Ahhhh. i feel better. how is everyone else?

On to veggie business. It has come to my attention that a lot of meat eaters out there feel the need to express their love for meat at any opportunity. Well, once they know you are a veggie. I've wondered about it ever since lunch. Not a long time in carnivore years but I think veggie years are = to dog years because it seems like I've thought about it for hours. oh wait....
I'm in the lunch room minding my own veggie business and eating my yummy veggie lunch (fake chicken patty w/ avocado & lettuce on whole wheat & a side of carrots for all you that are curious) when a friend of mine asked how the veggie trek is going. I love it when i get asked this question because it allows me to profess my love for veggie ism and how great I feel without feeling like I am rubbing it in a not-so-great feeling meat eaters face. Because I'm not. really. I'm just very excited about the awesomeness I feel and I want everyone to feel this way. (this of course excludes the crappy "I suck as a mom" feeling that i bring on by own accord. for some reason, the veggies cannot perfect this no matter how many broccoli's I shovel down my throat). As I'm sharing with my friend, a co-worker pops up from the book she was buried in to exclaim, "I couldn't live without meat" and then back down into the book grave she goes. Hmmmmm. Ok. I guess I could have asked her to elaborate but, to be honest, i didn't really want to. It was a conversation killer. That one sentence sucked out every nutrient and vitamin in the room. My friend went back to reading her magazine and eating her own defrosted lunch while I cleaned up and left the room.

Then I thought about it ALL. DAY. LONG. Seems like forever in dog-veggie years. It made me realize that this life sucking sentence has been meat clevered into my conversations more than once. How strange that it just now made such an impression. The dead silence maybe? Uh, my first clue. I pondered.
And then I realized, horror of horrors, that I also am guilty of being of being a life sucker. Now, surprise of all surprises, I didn't beat myself up too much about this. After all, I had been a carnivore my entire life and only a veggie now for two weeks so I cut myself a little slack. However, I will apologize to my vegan friend if I ever killed an inspiring, veggie-love filled conversation with a stupid comment like, "I love meat. Me couldn't live without me (grunt-grunt)", as I hitch up my pants over my meat loving ass and wipe the spittle from my chin.
I'm just kidding. No spittle. The ass though - oh yes. Laugh if you want but I'm sure all you steak lovers have heaved and hoed your pants over your ass and then proceeded to do the jean squat across your bedroom. You know who you are. Can I get a hee-haw??

So, I'm not going to be too hard on those that say it to me either but I am still trying to figure it out. Why is that necessary? Is it said to establish some type of hierarchy on the food chain? You know, meat eaters on top and all the veggie eating - tree huggers on the bottom? Or is that statement supposed to sum it all up? It doesn't require any further commentary or explanation like veggie ism does because well, meat speaks for itself? Moooooo. Oink. Oink. Or maybe, just maybe for some, not all mind you, but some, could it be their desperate stance in a conversation they don't understand and makes them uncomfortable? Hmmmm. Chew on that carrot stick.

Before I get accused of veggie stuck-upism, think about it. Meat eaters don't have to defend their food habits. Or where they shop. Or what they substitute (soy, tofu, oh my!). No one asks them how they get their protein. Or calcium. Or iron. No one wonders how on earth they live without sugar, or try to anyway. (Damn that high fructose corn syrup! they sneak that shit into everything!!!) No one asks because in a meat eaters world, it is assumed they are doing it right. It is assumed they know what they are eating and how it affects their body. It is assumed they are superior.

But what if they're not? What if they are wrong and the veggies are right? What if the FDA and the USDA and the CIA and the FBI, oh wait. not those guys. We know they are ALWAYS right.
But what if they're not? What if it is just about money? I mean, it is a business and business is money. Or there's no business. Hmmmm. Something to think about, something to ponder. What are you eating? Why are you eating it? What is in it and hey, how do you feel afterwards? It's your body. We only get one. Maybe we shouldn't treat it like a trash can. Or a pig trough.

Maybe we should tend to it like we do our gardens.

I feel spastic. You ever have one of those days? So much is going on and I have so much inside me that wants to come out; all the thoughts are pushing and shoving against each other, hoping the most aggressive will win. Ahem. Aren't vegetarians supposed to be passive??? My innards didn't get the memo. Or if they did, they tore it into tiny pieces before shoving it down an intestine so it can be eliminated.

Spastic. I could talk about the yogurt I'll never eat again, or how I wake up with so much energy now it freaks me out, or how the thought of elimination makes me grin from ear to ear. Oh yes, going to the bathroom has never felt so good. Or I could talk about how I feel when I am asked every day what I ate, or how I get looked at from the corner of people's eyes as if, now that I am vegetarian, I am also a spy reporting the habits of a carnivore's world. hmmmm, the list is endless. Spastic. Or maybe I could talk about why I feel so damn edgy today and yesterday which doesn't have anything to do with what I am eating but really it does. Oh yes really it does.

It has been four days since I have met up with my friend. Four days. The past two being absolutely excruciating. I miss him. He has been my constant companion since I was 13 years old. The one I could go to no matter what and he would always calm me down, make me feel better. Ten minutes with him and I'd feel relief and, and, happy?Oh, there were a few times when I would push him away, banish him from my very presence but I would always go back. Sometimes with my eyes closed, head bowed in resignation. Sometimes running full force with arms outstretched hoping I could reach him that much faster because I wanted him so bad. Oh yes. I wanted him with every fiber inside me. Other times I would feel desperate and once he was there, instant relief. I am almost quivering now with anticipation.
It is this anticipation I am hoping I can stomp on, full force, crushing the life out of it and all the deceitful lies of comfort it brings. Because you know, he is killing me. With each meeting, each rendevous, each 10 minute break, he is killing me. We will call him Smoke. I hate him and love him at the same time. Like an abusive boyfriend, he woos me with promises of a better day and please, just one more chance, if you take me back it will be So. MUCH. BETTER. I'll never hurt you again. I give in, of course I give in, because this is what happens when you are an addict. It doesn't matter what the addiction is, the abusive boyfriend treats us all the same. He beats my insides black and blue until I can barely breath. He fills me with himself until I weeze and gasp and cough, begging for more and begging for it to stop all at the same time. Who can reason with an addict? Nobody. We know. I know. Let's recap. Overweight doesn't = stupid and neither does addiction. I am chained. I am shackled and sadly sometimes I handcuff myself. Even as I write this I don't know if I will see Smoke tonight. It's not that I see Smoke so much I crave it but the thought of never seeing Smoke again sends me into a panic that makes me shake. Like all addicts do.

I don't know if I would break up with Smoke if I hadn't met Veggie. So funny too because I always laughed at people that broke up with one when another was already waiting. How weak and pathetic I would think. Can't they just do it on their own? Oh, I am so sorry if I ever thought that about you. How wrong, how wrong I am! What if it isn't weakness but a new found strength instead? A rock that was provided at just the right time, a time such as this?
It is ironic to me that I am cleansing my body of dead, rotting corpses only to fill it with rat poison. No thank you, I don't eat cheese but could you please pass the arsenic? Am I fucking retarded? Ahhh. slow down and breathe. Not stupid or retarded. Addict remember? I read something before (actually several times because I love it so much) that describes an addict as a bird. A bird only does what it does. It eats and sits in a tree and poos. You can stand under the tree and get pooed on or you can move away from the tree, or at least carry an umbrella, to avoid the poo. I have always identified with the person standing under the tree dodging shit bullets. How strange to be both the shit dodger and the shitter. I am the person and the bird. huh. A thought to ponder. How do we stop being a bird? Is it possible? Any addict I know of that stops their addiction is still the bird, just a Recovering bird or perhaps a bird "on-the-wagon" or maybe even the bird that flew "off-the-wagon". I can hear it now, oh look there goes that damn bird shitting again? When oh when will that bird learn? Shit sucks.

I am not perfect. NO freaking way. I am as flawed as they come. Sometimes I try to see me the way God does and I just cry because he loves me so much anyway. It's overwhelming.
Maybe I will see Smoke, maybe I will not. Maybe tonight I will not take his calls. But whatever happens, I can only take it one day at a time (that's addict talk in case you didn't know but I don't think smokers get a token. damn!)

One day at a time and if I go back today that doesn't mean I have to tomorrow. True dat. After all, I never thought I'd be a Veggie and maybe Veggie can also be my rock. For such a time as this.

Growing up, my mom didn't let me eat sweets much. She had a love/hate relationship with Oreo's and her body that I later adopted. Not the oreo's, the body and sweets in general. I remember saving my allowance so I could go to the corner am/pm after school to get my sugar fix. Frozen yogurt with mini m&m's. I used to put the m&m's on the bottom so I would eat them last. Walking home, I'd scarf down the pink hill of freedom and for me, the m&m's were the ultimate finale in my rebellious Independence. Throwing the cup away in a lobby trash can so I wouldn't get busted was so symbolic of how twisted our food notions were.
My relationship with sugar went through a lot of ups and downs as I've gotten older. I've learned not to hide my food, secrets make everything seem shameful. Well, because we make it that way. I learned how to MODERATE. That seems to be the hip word all the gym freaks want to shove down my throat. MODERATION. In theory this is awesome. In practice, way more difficult. Don't believe me? check out all the overweight people the next time you are at the mall. I'm sure they've heard the word before too. Overweight does not = stupid. Only skinny people think that. People are overweight for a reason. I was overweight for a reason. Could be laziness, could be. But I'm thinking it went more along the lines of hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness, a lot of "ness". But not stupidity. It's so easy to judge and make assumptions. Let's remember the word "ass" is in assumptions. Don't be one.
I jumped on the sugar-free bandwagon with abandon. Diet soda? check! Fat free cookies? check! sugarless gum? check, check!! Even though I was on this wagon, the shit wasn't working. Well, I was in the wagon, looking out a different window, getting a new view of a countryside that was not moving. I remained the same but in my mind, I was doing it right so I forged ahead knowing it couldn't be the concept that was wrong but that it must be me. Again, somehow, I had screwed up and if I just kept going, maybe I'd finally get it right. My belly mocked me and I was crushed.

I was stunned to learn that all the fake sugars (sugar substitutes for those that think I'm getting ghetto) were contributing to my bigness. Well, I'll be! It kind of pissed me off to be honest. The anger felt good. Skinny Bitch calls sugar the devil. Well that's cool with me. I'm always one for wanting to give the devil a swift kick in the ass. So, sugar is out.
Well, it was for 5 days. On the 6Th day I made a justification. "Justification" is not a bad word, however; when I find myself doing it, it's normally because I'm trying to make myself feel better about doing something bad. My justification? My best friend's birthday. You know what that means. Birthday cake. But not just any birthday cake. Flour Power cake. Scrumptious, yummy smelling cake from the best freakin bakery around. To top it off, I bought the cake so I was lucky enough to smell it all the way home before I put it in my fridge. This is when it started - the justification. If i just have one, tiny, sliver of a piece, how bad could that be? HA! The sugar devil was laughing his granulated ass off. It really was a small piece. I don't even know if it could be counted as a piece. I guess it doesn't matter because I only had three bites of it. Three. Small. Bites. It was the center that did it. All that butter cream frosting..... One bite of that and the sugar devil thought he had me. Thought I'd throw my fork down and inhale it from the plate the way the piggies do (think Christmas Story). But this did not happen. It might have except for the GIANT KNIFE SLICE through my skull. Thankfully I paused long enough to drink some water and answer a question before i took another bite. Thankfully I felt the pain. Now, I don't know if this is common but keep in mind I dropped sugar from diet completely. No soda, no coffee, unsweetened tea, and veggies. I've been granola for FIVE whole days now and there I go dropping a sugar bomb on my serene bloodstream.
I have found that pain, physical or mental, is God's surefire way to get some one's attention. Maybe this wasn't God. Maybe it was just my body. Either way, my attention gets gotten when there is pain. I had a screaming headache and it had SUGAR radiating from a neon sign. Below it were the words"dumb ass", just in case I wasn't sure getting the headache was my fault. Ow.

I am learning , learning, and that lesson need not be taught again. Sugar is out. Healthy is in. Hey, I didn't even beat myself up too badly. Veggies - they do the body and the mind some good. Perhaps they have a bit if self love mixed in with all their vitamins and crunchiness. I'll take it....with a side of hummus.

It all started simply enough. I began reading Skinny Bitch, not because I wanted to be a bitch but because i totally wanted to be skinny. I had tried everything else; counting calories, writing down everything I ate, low fat, no fat, low calories, no calories, oh yes, and exercise. Still, I've remained the same for oh, months, years, and what else can I do? I get as motivated as the next person when I watch the Biggest Loser and I bet if I worked out for 6-8 hours a day then I would lose 10 pounds a week too. Unfortunately i have that pesky issue - oh yes, a job. So that is out. Puking and starving myself ? Totally out. Although I can kind of admire their sick dedication, it is a sickness and you know, I have enough sick crap rolling around in my head - no need to add another. Oh yes, and I have daughters. I mustn't totally mind screw them. It is my deepest desire (well, one of them) that they love themselves and don't ever participate in the sadistic game of COMPARISON. Wouldn't we all be better off if we could appreciate each other instead of envy each other? Oh well, I'm getting off course here.
So, my sister in law was nice enough to lend me the book. She said it was good. I had heard it is very straight up and to be honest, had avoided it because I really didn't want anyone telling me I was fat - straight up or dancing around a bush. But I said sure because hey, what I was doing was getting old and my sister in law, well she is a Skinny Bitch. (don't freak out ya'll. She'll consider this a great compliment). It was Sunday, August 2ND (which is now my official veggie birthday. I am expecting a celebration. And a vegan cheesecake. :) ) and my sweet hubby was cooking a turkey. I started to read. If you haven't read this book, you should. It is quite funny and full of information. But if you are prudish or easily shocked you will need to get over it or not read it because you will be called a pussy or a fat cow more than once. Don't worry - they say it in love.
Anyway, I'm reading. I'm hooked and laughing and nodding my head in agreement, yes I do need to stop drinking soda and smoking and start exercising and.... the list goes on and on. I'm starting to think that the book makes a lot of sense and I should start eating more veggies but not just veggies. I couldn't do that. but more veggies. Then I got to the chapter about animals.
Now, I am not an animal lover. I do not get excited over exotic birds (or ANY bird for that matter), I'm not interested in swimming with dolphins (duh - sharks), cats to me are satan incarnate, and dogs, well, they smell. I have a dog. And he's the only creature I love. I really do think he is the only lovable one. I go to the zoo every few years with the kids and I'm good. The best part to me is if i get lucky enough to see an elephant pee. It is freakin hilarious. I know I sound immature and maybe a little gross but then, you must not have ever seen an elephant pee. Freakin. Hilarious.
Ok, so I am at the chapter about animals and I knew it would be graphic. I mean, they are trying to make a point so we all know, it's got to be graphic. But I never expected what I read and then pictured in my mind. As I write this I am getting tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Remember - not an animal person. It was truly horrible. I sobbed. My 14 year old daughter, we'll call her Sammi, looked at me like I had lost my mind. My husband, we'll call him Jeff, looked at me the same way. I couldn't stop crying or thinking that I had a turkey cooking in the oven. I almost puked. It was right then that the change took place. (ok I am crying now)
I thought of all these comments I had ever made regarding food. My best friend is .. well, awesome but also very spiritual. She very much believes that how we treat creatures or any living thing comes back to us. My sister in law, she's vegan. That pretty much sums it up. We all know how she would feel about animals then. I on the other hand, I'm very ashamed at how callous and unfeeling I must have sounded - even to myself. Well, now. Not then obviously.
I felt like God was shaking up my insides. I felt like the tears were His way of cleaning me out. I also think He wouldn't have minded if had puked but I was able to keep a clamp on that one. I was crying for being a part of something so cruel and unnecessary. I was crying because I didn't know better and I should have. I cried because God gave us this earth and the animals and commanded us to take care of them and we have screwed that up royally. Maybe you don't believe in God and that's ok but I do. And at that moment I felt like He was holding me accountable for being complacent. Maybe I hadn't personally ripped off a cow's leg or boiled a pig alive but I certainly didn't do much to stop it either. In fact, I didn't even want to know about it. Whoever said "ignorance is bliss" is a selfish asshole. (yes I am a christian but I do cuss. God knows. Deal with it.) I knew I would always be different. I still don't know how different or where the line gets drawn but I am different.
God says (if you don't believe in God, again, just roll with me here) that if we do something and we know it is wrong, we are sinning. How could I ever eat meat again and then look God in the face? I couldn't. I can't. I don't know if I would be able to look at myself the same. That's saying a lot. I've done some pretty bad things and managed to look at myself just fine.
It's been a week. I am still adjusting, searching, learning, reading, and trying to find a balance. But I am excited and motivated. And guess what? I feel fabulous. And guess what else? I've lost 3 pounds this week. Bonus.